the xxl-files

update...

2011-02-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

my apologies for being absent of late...

my internship/schoolwork is TAKING OVER MY LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!

in a good way...

been kinda putting other things on hold for now, trying to eat sensibly, but its not always working out. i know its no excuse, and i'm trying to change it.

miss y'all

its offish...

2011-02-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

i'm officially an undergrad intern at Manito Behavioral Health and Human Services/ Laurel Life in Chambersburg PA!!

i had an AMAZING interview today....it feels so good!

see, i have this little pre-interview ritual. i've done it for every interview i've ever had. the day of my interview (or night before if its an early morning interview) i give myself a manicure/pedicure with Rimmel #660 Climax, a big, bold, brilliant purple. i call it my Power Purple, cause it does just that, makes me feel powerful. the next step is to crank some inspirational tunes, such as Ego by Beyonce/Sasha Fierce (duh), Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, Can't Touch This by MC Hammer, and a whole playlist of music to get my blood pumping and my confidence soaring. next, i put on my sexiest lingerie, usually a vampy bra/panty combo, and dance around my room while i get dressed. i dunno what it is, but it gives me an extra boost of confidence going into even the tamest interview dressed to kill (at least underneath). and there you go my friends, my secret for killer interviews.

and unfortunately, as awesome as today was, about 20 minutes after i left my interview, i had a HUGE anxiety attack. anxiety is an equal opportunity disorder, happy news or sad or anything in between is open for it to hit. i started worrying if i would fail, be stupid and get fired, just be stupid in general and ohmygod what if i dont even know what i'm doing, thisisgonnabehorriblejustgobackandtellthemno. i felt bipolar. up and down, balls to the wall excited and crushed on the floor anxious.

and so enters the Binge. spazzing, gottaeateverythinginthehouse and gobuyjunkfood freaking out in my head. i got about halfway through a really bad binge, nearly to the point of making and consuming a whole pan of brownies myself, and i just stopped cold. i threw everything away and went upstairs. lit an awesome new candle, put on some music and just tried to relax around my upset stomach.

life is crazy y'all, even the best day can make me run for food, not just the bad. but the point is i stopped, i didnt let my horror and shame and disgust at myself send me into a chocolate/food coma.

i went with the good. i called my fiance, cried and laughed and got my irrational fears out and quashed them, and celebrated my huge accomplishment.

and i'm just so freakin excited! the insane workload that is now on my shoulders is intimidating, but i'm going to do it, and i'm going to do it like a champ.

to tweet or not to tweet...

2011-02-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

even after swearing up and down that i would nevereverever join yet another social media site and put my bits on display for the world....

i've been contemplating setting up a twitter account for the xxl-files. a weight loss related kind of thing to complement the blog.

but i feel the need to ask your opinion.

so? what do ya think? yay or nay?

super sunday update....

2011-02-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

first off, i could give less of a shit about the super bowl, so i'm just gonna talk about how great my weekend has been : )

i weighed in on friday like i said, and the scale told me i was 337, but i call bullshit. i've been retaining a metric ton of water lately and just been feeling generally bloated so i think thats where the extra pounds are coming from. i've been trying to up my water intake, but it just never seems to be enough. my clothes are looser, so i know the weight is coming off somewhere but its just not showing on the scale.

so this weekend....

well, my weekend has been amazing. matter of fact, this whole past week has been amazing. relaxed and refreshed and just feeling great. took a walk with my guy in between rain showers and made some tasty, healthy dinners.

i feel more clear and focused and goal oriented than i have in a long time. my motivation and excitement for school and classes is back and i'm working hard to catch up and get everything back to good. i've started carrying around a notebook again, which seriously helps me organize my thoughts and my days and my life.

and things are starting to work out with my internship search! i got a callback on friday from one of my top choices and have an interview set for wednesday!!! also today i knocked out and revised a KILLER resume and coverletter and sent them off with some applications for some kick-ass job opportunities. i'm crossing my fingers extra hard that i'll hear back about one particular application; it's for a TSS (therapeutic staff support) job with NHS Human Services in Central PA!!!! its a CHERRY job and i think if i even get just a callback i'll be proud. (and if i get it...bitches there WILL be some serious celebrating going on).

one minor disappointment this week was that i didnt get to go to zumba on wednesday. our instructor was in a car accident and couldnt do classes. hopefully this coming week will have me boogie'n and burnin.

i'm starting to get my life back in order, get my career some running shoes and a practice track, and get one step closer every day to that navy blue and white cap and gown.

coming alive again...

2011-02-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

hey all,
i know i've been kind of an absent blogger lately, but there have been some big changes over here at casa de erin.

i weighed on friday, but i don't remember what it was and every time i weigh myself now it changes every day. so i'm gonna hold off and do it friday and just go with that number.

but back to the changes.

so i realized about a week and a half ago that i was in kind of a depressive funk. the thing i love (read: hate) about being depressed is that i only recognize the telling signs of it in myself after it's already been hanging around like a houseguest that wont leave and uses all your clean towels and eats all your cheerios. but the point is, i DID recognize the signs like anger, moodiness, bouts of sleeplessness and oversleeping for hours, and general lack of interest in everything. so i set to work to try to clear away the clouds and get back to feeling like myself again.

i think the whole thing started when i filed my intent to graduate. you'd think something like that would make me ecstatic, overjoyed, whatever. but it terrified me. the second i clicked "file intent" i was automatically flooded with negative thoughts. i have a chronic fear of failure, and something like this triggered it big time. probably from then on i became someone else. that person used my face and body, tried to be me, but failed. i dont think anyone was fooled. i was a mess inside.

we're not even gonna talk about the Cupcake Incident.

yea...badbadbadness.

but i managed to get my sunshine back, and it seriously feels like i've been asleep for the last month. i barely remember anything.

i've been working on getting not only myself, but my home and school environment organized and under control again. i've been sleeping better, taking better care of myself, keeping up with my schoolwork, and being attentive in my relationship.

it feels good to be back...

quick weigh-in update

2011-01-22T13:16:00.000-05:00

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 333.8
loss this week: -1.6
total loss: -8.6

sweet...trucking along just about the pace i want.

as far as school goes, i'm having serious motivation issues. i am so anxious about getting my internship set up and done in time to graduate that it's literally taking all of my energy just to worry about it.

annnnnd we're off...

2011-01-18T22:10:00.000-05:00

jesus can you believe that january is almost over already?!

its been crazy busy and exciting so far, but first things first...

i weighed in friday morning because i was going to be away from my scale on saturday and heeeeere's the numbers

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 335.4
loss this week: -1.8
total loss: - 7.0

pretty awesome! i'm trying to work on move my weigh in to sometime during the week, might stick with fridays for now though.

another awesome thing? my campus is offering free zumba classes every day of the week! freak yeaaaaaaaa....i think i'm gonna try to go next wednesday. i'm so excited.

i'm dealing with some performance anxiety now that i've officially put in my intent to graduate in the spring. i'm spazzing a little bit to get my internship set up and all my classes taken care of. so far i think this semester will be pretty chill though.

hope you guys are having a great start to 2011 too!

wicked awesome weigh-in!

2011-01-08T17:11:00.000-05:00

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 337.2
loss this week: -5.2
total loss: -5.2

fuck.
fuckin.
yesssssssssssss.

what a week. kick ass weight loss and one of the most amazing dinner experiences i've ever had at VOLT in frederick, MD.

life is good

the final countdown (also, quiche recipe)...

2011-01-03T22:54:00.001-05:00

so we're down to exactly one week from today until spring semester starts (i.e. the last one!) and i'm torn. on one hand, i really, REALLY do not want to give up all these handfuls of free time, but on the other, i am bored out of my mind, and that my friends, leads to grazing. no love.

i'm ready to be busy again...just ya know, not with homework or internships or anything.

this weekend was wonderfully sweet. breakfast in bed (waffles!), a mini-marathon of Third Watch our favorite show, and massive assive cleaning. finally got the old bed and box spring, which had been sitting half inside the closet door (wtf? how am i supposed to get my clothes man?), mostly out of the apartment. the mattress is still in our bedroom but neatly now, up against the wall. laundry put away, candles to burn away the smell of dust and dirty clothes (god, seriously, do men never clean?) and most everything put to rights again. ahhh, i love a clean bedroom/bathroom. it feels more peaceful and restful, i swear.

we started our "household" budget last night, keeping track of when things are due, when paychecks arrive, receipts of crap we buy, and what we can put into savings. it felt really great, like we were actually working together and understanding each other. let's just hope it keeps up!

and finally, today i broke in my new tart pan (with removable bottom, ooooooh) that i got for christmas with a freakin bad-ass quiche. quiche is such a delicate word, but delicate this quiche was not. this was a filling, veggie stuffed, whole-wheatified, hearty demigod of quiches. and don't be afraid, this quiche is meant to stand alone, to which i recommend eating it on smaller plates than we did (giant dinner-sized), or giving it a plate buddy like a sassy side salad so it doesnt look so lonely. who doesnt like a sassy side salad?

the crust of this bad boy is amazing, and if you overestimate the amount of dough you'll need like i did, you can roll it out and make tasty little homemade crackers! i take my dough seriously folks, no wasting in this kitchen. it's full of herbs and butter, seldom a bad combination, but throw whole wheat into the mix and you've got a fiesta. a whole-grain fiesta.

if you like your quiche super eggy, you might wish to adapt this to include more egg. i prefer my quiche full of stuff, and i rather like to use the egg more of a medium to hold all that stuff together instead of being the main event.

when all was said and done, this came out beautifully. savory, herb-y, eggy goodness.

Salmon, Cheddar & Summer Veggie Quiche w/ Whole Wheat Herb-Butter Crust
Yields 6 large slices or 8 medium slices
nutrition facts can be found *here*

crust ingredients
2/3 cup whole wheat flour
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1 stick butter (softened)
1/4 cup water

filling ingredients
1/4 lb. turkey bacon, medium diced
1/3 cup diced medium onion (any color)
1/2 red bell pepper, medium diced
1/2 medium zucchini. medium dice half and slice the rest into coins or wedges to garnish
1/2 cup diced mushrooms (i like portobellos, but any kind of hearty mushroom will do)
1 frozen salmon filet approx 4 oz. (optional) cubed
2 large eggs
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup reduced fat or fat free sour cream
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup extra sharp shredded cheddar cheese, divided

to make the crust
1. mix dry ingredients in a medium bowl. cut butter into bowl and combine. dont be afraid to use your hands here. mix butter and dry ingredients until a crumbly dough forms. add in water and slowly collect dough in a ball shape, squeezing and reshaping with your hands until all the flour is incorporated. you can add in more water if you feel your dough is too dry.
2. wrap ball in plastic wrap and place in the fridge for 10 minutes. this makes the rolling easier and you wont get melted butter all over your hands (true story). you can also start prepping your vegetables while you wait.
3. preheat oven to 425 degrees. remove dough from fridge and roll out on wax paper sprinkled with flour. roll out dough until the diameter is at least 3 inches wider than the top of your chosen baking vessel. transfer to baking pan and fold down edges so that the side/top crust is thicker than the bottom crust. if you are using a regular pie plate, flute or crimp edges down. if you are using a tart pan, press firmly into the sides to an even thickness all around. prick bottom a few times with a fork to reduce puffing. (you can also use pie weights, rice, or beans on a sheet of aluminum foil)
4. Bake for 12-15 minutes, set to cool slightly, and reduce oven temp to 350 degrees.

to make the filling
1. crisp bacon in a skillet to your desired level of doneness and remove from pan. using the same pan, saute vegetables and salmon until tender. return bacon to the party.
2. in a small bowl, whisk together the eggs, egg yolks, sour cream and half the shredded cheese. salt and pepper to taste.
3. spoon vegetable mix evenly into the bottom of the crust. don't be afraid if your crust is completely full, we want it that way. evenly pour egg mixture over top of the vegetables, it will seep down and bind everything together. garnish with remaining cheese and zucchini slices.
4. Bake for 30 minutes then broil at 500 degrees for 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and golden.

enjoy!

bright, shiny, new year...

2011-01-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

i woke up this ~~afternoon~~ morning wonderfully hangover free.

i spent a mellow, relaxed new years at home with my family, although R was hauling bodies at work and was greatly missed. we had a great little spread that was way way scaled back from what we usually have. cheese and crackers with fruit, steamed shrimp, and a sweet little nibblet my bro and i thought up. we were craving hot wings but didnt want to put up the cash or go out, sooo i just cubed up some lean chicken breasts, lightly pan fried them and coated em in pepper sauce. mmmmmm yummy, cheap, and healthier than take-out. armed with finger food and wine, we waited for 2011 to arrive.

about 30 seconds till midnight, i got a phone call from my love and we rang in the new year together watching fireworks. i would have loved to have him there for a kiss, but it was still wonderful.

2010 was just about the best year i've ever lived through. and thinking back on it, i actually feel like i was alive this year, not just existing from one year to the next. i saw dreams come true, goals achieved, and futures begun. it was truly amazing, and i cant wait to see what 2011 brings.

and now rolling with the cheerful cliche of a new year, i have a couple of goals to make.

i want to lose weight. duh. i want to get healthier. and i am determined to work hard at it. what i am not going to do this year is to make it a competition. you cant compete with yourself, and competing with others only results in someone coming up short. i dont want to do that. the thing i DO want to do, feel better, physically, by gradually reducing my body weight. i'm going to start posting numbers and weekly weigh ins again, because i feel ready for it. i've taken my time to work on my issues, and now i'm ready to take control again.

as of this morning, i weighed in at 342.4. yipes. but i'm not going to wallow. i'm going to work.

luckily, i have some neat tools, including my new favorite thing...

its a reusable, plastic cup with a straw! it holds a cool 16 oz, is double walled so that it won't sweat, and both the cup and straw are made of hard, durable, eco-friendly plastic. also, it looks like a take-out cup, which is awesomely cute. its so much sweeter than a water bottle and its pink. i picked one up at old navy when i was doing my post-christmas sale-ing, and i loved it so much i went out and bought another one.

it helps me improve my water intake and its wicked adorable, which makes it fun.

i'm also working on keeping a budget, and creating a household budget for R and i. combining two incomes (or his income and my occasional babysitting cash....until i get a job after graduation) and two different spending habits and styles is going to be interesting, but we're making this plans and following through.

another thing, i want to take better care of myself to improve and maintain fertility. i'm not planning on getting pregnant for another couple of years, but i want to improve my chances for when we're ready. i've been tracking my periods and ovulations and it's helped me become more aware of what my body goes through throughout the month and how it effects my appetite, moods, sleeping habits, and energy levels.

another goal, to stop being afraid of the doctor. i need to make dental appointments, and check-ups and what not, and actually go to them. i need to stop being so afraid of what might be found, that i hide and ignore instead. that needs to change.

i am excited and a little scared to see all the changes 2011 has in store for me and for my future, but i am resolved to face it head on.

happy new year to everyone, i hope it's started out amazingly.

update...chili recipe

2010-12-30T18:39:00.000-05:00

you can find the recipe here

i have loved this recipe for years, but i just decided to play around with it and add some chunky veggies like bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots. i also like to garnish with shredded sharp cheddar cheese and sour cream. its warm, slightly spicy, and wicked delicious. perfect for a cold winter night.

and btdub, i frigging love my dutch oven!

holiday wrap up and setting goals...

2010-12-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

the holidays are winding down and now we're preparing to meet 2011 head on. we had an amazing, wonderfully relaxing christmas, full of family, friends and great times. i got some great gifts, with a definite culinary focus. i got a mini muffin pan, a set of springform pans, a supercute giant cupcake pan, and my favorite, often longed for, a dutch oven! it is beautiful, red enameled and hefty. i plan on christening it this evening with a nice big batch of weight watchers beef and black bean chilli. yummmm

new years eve is tomorrow and i've been thinking a lot about what kind of goals i want to set for myself in the coming year.
one big goal is to take the time to take care of myself and start losing weight again. i've gained over the holiday, and i know that i need to do better. it's time to get serious about weight loss again and get back on track. i've got to.
another big goal is to start keeping a budget and putting money away. we have a new place to save for, and all the stuff that goes along with a major move (and the combination of two people's crap). i want to be as prepared as possible.

what are some of your goals for 2011?

another semester annhilated...

2010-12-17T01:34:00.000-05:00

and i can finally release the collective breath i've been holding for the past month.

officially took my last final today at 2:15.

by 3:00 i was slipping and sliding my ass over to the bookstore in the snow to sell some books.

at 3:15 i walked away with a cool $115 and i was a happy camper.

::huuuuuge sigh of relief::

it's over : )

my grades arent completely in yet, but it looks really good that i could get dean's list for the first time ever. i have pushed myself so SO damn hard this semester. i never knew i had this kind of motivation in me, at least academically. it feels good to realize that this potential i have in me actually be achieved.

on the weight loss front, i'm stalled at the moment. but i honestly think focusing solely on school gave me the freedom to achieve my goals this semester. my mind is starting to come back around to weight loss, i'm starting to get that motivation back and its feeling good. i think one of my biggest goals during the break is to focus on what i'm eating, not eating out of boredom, and staying active while its cold and snowy out. i'm going to have a suddenly greater amount of free time and i'm going to struggle to get up in the morning and stay busy as opposed to sleeping in every day and staying up every night.

but joy of joys (warning: sarcasm imminent) the spring semester starts in 3 weeks! then i will be stuck at a grueling pace of classes 5 days a week, plus an internship. gulp. i think i better enjoy my free time while i actually have some.

life is going so quickly its making my head spin. the first leg of school is coming to a close, a career is looming, the guy and i are talking about cohabitation, planning our upcoming (after a nice long engagement!) nuptuals, babies, and so much. i'm going a little crazy with all this future couply stuff. i've for so long been a solitary soul.

at the start of this month we celebrated a year together and it just blew my mind. it feels like a blink of time. i want to spend more time just being us, not planning our futures to the T. i'm trying to slow things down. i know i'm going to spend my life with him, but i dont want to wait until the babies are come and we're far into a marriage to spend time together just being together.

and just as an aside, did christmas sneak up like a bitch on anyone else? freakin christmas is next week and i am SO not prepared.

i need a drink.

have a great holiday y'all.

and when it was finally over...

2010-12-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

so the thanksgiving holiday went swimmingly. everyone was together and fed and happy, there was no family drama, and no one barfed.

in all, i'd say it was a huge success.

first things first, i helped my kitchen-ly challenged best friend with a thanksgiving trial run, teaching her about proper turkey care and mashing about 5 lbs of potatos. i also baked pie, because if i didnt, no one in that house would have had pumpkin pie, and that, in itself, is a tragedy. everything went well, my surrogate children enjoyed pumpkin pie for the first time, and the holiday season was kicked off beautifully.

then on thursday my mom and i hosted the big dinner this year at her place, and on top of all the uncles and cousins, we welcomed my fiance and his mother into the mix as well. everyone got along and hit it off really well. and we tried a new tactic this year: buffet line in the kitchen, dinner in the dining room. although not intentional, location of the food, and also location of my seat at the table were a big factor in how i handled myself eating wise and managed to be satisfied without going overboard. i was comfortably sandwiched between raphael and his mother on the far side of the table, meaning that once i sat down, getting back out again would have been really difficult since we squeezed as many people as we could around that big ol table. add in not having platters and bowls and baskets circulating around the table (and sitting there temptingly in front of me), i was able to make my one plate, take my one roll, and have a delicious, satisfying, not at all puke-inducing meal surrounded happily by my family and loved ones.

and now as we move into december, my house is full of christmasy scents, my tree is up (and i even let the boy help me decorate....minus all my "rules" about proper ornament placement. dont judge lol) and the semester is coming to a close. there is snow in the air, music on my radio, and i couldnt be happier.

i truly couldnt.

relief...

2010-11-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

first of all, i want to thank you guys for your support and suggestions. you helped calm my nerves and didnt tell me i was crazy for being afraid. it helped a lot.

and, you were right! i have mild bell's palsy (me and george clooney), the doc hooked me up with some 'roids and i should be back to normal in a month or so.

phew.

currently i am baking two frigging delicous looking pumpkin pies (with brown sugar pecan topping!) and listening to the boy snore away on the couch. tomorrow i will be surrounded by friends, family and yummy food.

life is good : )

hope y'unz all have a happy thanksgiving! (as my gram would say lol)

why i hate making doctors appointments and why i (literally) feel like harvey dent...

2010-11-23T18:11:00.000-05:00

ok. so since friday of last week i've been feeling like i have two faces.

not in a figurative way either.

...perhaps some background is necessary here.

for a few weeks now i've been having constant, daily headaches, jaw pain and facial twitches on my left side. i thought it was just stress, maybe i started grinding my teeth, or something. friday morning i woke up to find a completely new symptom; the left side of my mouth stopped moving and i was having trouble closing my left eye completely. it was fucking scary dudes. my mind went immediately to STROKE, holy fuck i had a stroke. luckily, i watch copious amounts of House and knew the components to the stroke test. slurred speech? nope. downturned lip? nope. numbness? nope. inability to hold my arms parallel to the floor? nope. thank fucking jesus.

my wonderful EMT fiance thinks its TMJ or something to do with the nerves connected to my jaw. tmj is usually easily treated, but i'm gonna be honest here, the most terrifying part for me is wondering if my face will be like this forever. if i'm always going to feel like a picasso painting. wondering if everyone is going to notice and ask what's wrong with me. terrified, y'all.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 8 am (moangroan) to see whats the what. i am going through such intense anxiety right now. and heres the reason why i havent been to the denist since 2006. or why i was near death the last time i forced myself to go to the docs. why i'm a coward when it comes to the gyno or getting a mammogram. what if i go in, and they find something horribly life-alteringly awful. i would rather hide in ignorance.

but i'm going tomorrow. after fighting to gather the courage to make a call the last few days, i did it. it doesnt make me feel better. it makes me feel like my stomach is a black hole, lead balloon, anything really bad.

but i'm going. i am going. really really going.

i know, because raphael is driving me. so i cant flake out. (even though i want to more than anything in the world.)

i am going.

please god let them figure out whats wrong with me. and let it be treatable. please.

bitty baby steps...

2010-11-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

i started tracking again today.

it's been a long ass while.

but i'm sick of zoning out when im eating, eating crap, and then pretending to be all confused when the scale puts up crazy fluctuating numbers.

this chick needs some structure back.

also, have you guys seen that show on tlc called "ton of love"? i have always been fascinated by all the tv shows about morbidly and supermorbidly obese people, but this one is different. not in a good way. other than one couple on the show, all the others seemed downright blase about the fact that their weight is seriously affecting their lives. there was one couple who had been trying to have a baby for years, but both of them were over 400 lbs. i thought it was common knowledge that obesity drastically cuts down your likelihood of getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy. when the wife found out she had pcos, she almost didnt even connect part of it to the fact that she was obese. like it wasnt even a tiny factor. a big part of my motivation to lose weight is so that i have better chances of getting pregnant, lowering my risk of medical problems during pregnancy, and preventing pcos. it's a constant motivation. especially now that i'm engaged to the man i want more than anything to have children with. i would be downright terrified if i was 421 lbs and pregnant. so afraid of the complications that come with trying to carry a child and an extra 250-300 lbs of weight.

how do you guys feel about the different kind of aspects in shows like this? do you think it raises awareness or acceptance?

best. new. thing. ever. (and holiday prep)...

2010-11-20T21:08:00.000-05:00

green bean crisps.

thats right. best new thing ever. my mama and i hit up bender's potato barn in chambersburg today before we braved the grocery store (to buy everything under the sun for a thanksgiving feast for 12 people....and also butter in the shape of a turkey. dont judge) and it was awesome. it was my first time there, and i'm pretty sure i fell in love. i love menonite/amish markets like crazy and this was no different. it was so cute, and had a huuuuuge selection of candies, baking goods, produce and all sorts of neat little gifties. well, one of the many many things that caught my eye was a little plastic container of green beans. crispy, dried, salted green beans. holy bejeesus. these are so fantastic. like a damn green bean potato chip.

like i said. new best thing ever.

speaking of thanksgiving, i'm starting to prep, schedule, plan and all the good stuff that keeps neurotic, perfectionist hostesses like my mother and i from losing our minds. part of that for me is planning ahead what to avoid, or what to only have a little bit of. for the healthy eaters, we're doing a hummus dip (sans oil) and pita chips/veggies. for the people who dont care, swiss cheese and onion dip (basically a greasy pile of cheese and onions that you spread on bread.) this crap is so good, but so damn greasy. i managed to almost completely ignore it at our christmas dinner last year, and had maybe one bread round with it on, and i was good for another year. people go nuts over this shit, but if it were up to me, i wouldnt have it on my menu. other than that, the usual spread, minus a few things that no one ever really touches anyway, and then piiiiieee! i have been waiting all damn year for pumpkin pie.

this year i'm baking and cooking a little extra for some friends of mine going through tough times. i know they'd be there for me if i needed it, and sometimes all you need to get through the holidays is to have a good friend feed you pie and give you a hug. i can definitely do that.

i always get this huge buzz going on during the holidays. this is my element. the hustle and bustle, the cooking, baking, friends and family, and just all the great things (and none of the bad) that come with the cold season. like christmas music in mid november. fuck yes. i heard Feliz Navidad (my favorite goddamn christmas song EVER) on the radio tonight and i just knew it was gonna be a good week. i can do this.

have a great holiday everyone!

fighting demons...

2010-11-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

so my birthday weekend went pretty great. my dad took me out for dinner and drinks friday and i got to have a really relaxing couple days with people i love. minus a few rough patches.

like saturday...

i woke up late on saturday and ended up being lazy in bed finishing up reading the new book i had. for whatever reason, i was grumpy as shit. and it was pretty much all focused on raphael. the poor guy could not do anything right in my book. every time he called saying he was going to be late to pick me up, or whatever else, i bit his head off. when he did finally get to my house i was deep in a funk. i was snapping and arguing and he just kept asking me what was wrong (which is like the thing i hate to hear the most because it requires me to actually think about why i'm going crazy). as i'm trying to think it out and talk it out i just started crying and couldnt stop. i started shouting and crying and calling myself crazy. a lot of people might not know that since childhood i have constantly been fighting a pair of demons known as Anxiety and Depression. they usually come in together and spur each other on and make me feel like i'm two people in one body.

about a week ago Mrs. Fatass bravely posted publicly about her struggles with anxiety. it made me realize that all those things inside me that i try to hide from people so that they think i'm "normal" really dont get hidden all that well. i've been struggling with anxiety about my weight, but the bulk of it is focused on school. i'm doing wonderfully, i have a great group of friends, and i just found out that i'll be graduating a semester earlier than i expected. but regardless of all the good, i still have a voice in my head telling me i'll fail. that i'm still not cut out for college. so i started missing the occasional class, having to make up an exam here or there, and fighting a losing battle with my sleep schedule. when i'm dealing with both anxiety and depression i get pulled and pushed between insomnia for days or sleeping for 18 hours a day. my advisor, who is also one of my professors, started to notice. when i missed the exam the other week, she called me out on it. she made me face my anxiety and made me realize that the mask i try to keep on isnt as effective as i think it is.

so all week long i've been aware of and actively trying to keep my anxiety at bay. but saturday night must have been my breaking point, because i let it all out. i gave my anxiety a voice and let it scream out all those hateful things that i tell myself. i opened the floodgates. and a funny thing happened. i heard myself saying these things that i make myself believe sometimes and i knew it was ridiculous. i knew it was a lie. i knew it was fear of failure and fear of disappointing others that bred all those ideas.

but most the most important thing, i let someone i loved in. i often exhaust myself trying to play pretend that everything in this head of mine is all hunky dorey. its not always. but it is so important to me that no one sees that side of me, because i dont want pity. i dont want people thinking im crazy. but i opened up a can of my craziest crazy that night, and you know what, he told me he loved me. that he loved me even more because i trusted him enough to be that real around him.

it broke the spell. and it felt so good. after i wiped the tears i felt so light. i felt like this burden didnt have to be mine alone anymore. i know that he'll be there for me and understand why i cry randomly or shut down for no reason. he's taking this journey with me now, he's picked up a sword and will be at my back the next time i go into battle, and it feels amazing.

birthday goodness...

2010-11-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

today is my birthday.

it has been one of the best birthdays on record. and the good birthday thing for me is relatively a new concept. i had a shit streak going for a long time whereas birthdays were full of anger and sadness and pain. gladly the last few years have been much better. no screaming matches, no crying, and in their place love and laughter and good warmy things.

i got to sleep in, all snuggled in warm covers. when i finally got out of bed around noon i settled in on the couch for a house marathon and an onion bagel and hot cocoa. after a while i got up and whipped together a frigging delicious batch of pumpkin spice cupcakes. (by the way, cupcakes are way cooler than birthday cakes) then i decided to lounge around and browse the new bridal magazine i picked up the other day and watched some more tv. around 6pm my padre came home and took me out for mexican and margaritas. yummmm. now i'm back home just relaxing and basking in the birthday bliss.

i think the only thing that could have made this day better would have been getting to see my guy. poor thing's been in D.C. since tuesday between working and doing his EMT recertification classes.

my life is just so good right now. i'm thankful every day for all the little bits and pieces that fall into place to let me do what i do and be who i am. one of the things that has made my life so perfectly good is raphael. i've noticed (and my family and friends have noticed) a marked difference in my personality and ambition and my overall good mood. he lets me be me, neuroses and all. he lets me be a control freak when i need to, and takes my cues and steps in when i feel like i'm losing control. and the best of all, he loves me. every little thing about myself that i obsess over, he loves. he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and like i can do anything.
not to mention my relationship with my parents has blossomed into something i never expected. i'm learning things about my family that i never knew, and finding out more about the people that created me.

school, life, fiance, birthday....everything is amazing.

now its time to work on reaching my weight goals. i am getting my body back. learning to eat well and get more exercise again.

happy birthday to me, my birthday candle wishes are starting to come true :)

lovin from the oven

2010-10-30T17:28:00.000-04:00

i love when my weekends include baking. the house is full of rich, warm scents and my favorite part; sharing with the people i love. i get to enjoy one of my favorite hobbies and then joyfully give the goodies away.

after a massively full day yesterday, i hit the sack way way early and slept in till about 11 this morning. while browsing my blog reading list i found this.

i adapted the recipe a little to knock out the butter and add yummy pumpkin flavor

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Swirled Brownies

ingredients
boxed brownie mix and ingredients needed on package ( i used betty crocker's dark chocolate mix)

cream cheese layer
8 ounces cream cheese, softened

4-6 tablespoons canned pumpkin (libbys)
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons flour

-Heat oven to 375

-Mix in large bowl the brownie mix and the ingredients called for on the box. Spread 3/4 of the mix in a baking pan sprayed with cooking spray.

-Mix cream cheese, pumpkin, and sugar until well mixed. Add eggs, vanilla and flour.

-Spread mixture on top of brownie mix. Drop remaining brownie batter on top and use a knife to make a swirl design on top.

-Bake for 40 minutes or until baked through.

in the original recipe it calls for butter and orange food coloring. i decided to swap out the butter with pumpkin and the natural color of the pumpkin gave the cream cheese mixture a nice soft orange color. the flavor was subtle and light. for a deeper, spicier fall flavor, you could add pumpkin pie spice.

this made about 18 servings, and come out to around 250 calories per serving. to lighten it up even more, you could use light or fat free cream cheese, splenda, or reduced/ fat free brownie mix.

these are a great fall or halloween treat and satisfy a sweet tooth or chocolate craving.

also, i weighed in this morning and things are on their way down. 330.2 this morning, a loss so far of 4.4 lbs. imma keep on truckin y'all.

till next time : )

taking a new path...

2010-10-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

so here's the thing.

i love blogging. it makes me feel great. i want to keep writing about the things that i experience and the things that interest me.

ever since i started my newest jump on the wagon i've been struggling with one issue in particular. and that's this feeling like i owe it to you guys to lose weight. like you dont deserve to read a weight loss blog where the author doesnt lose weight. it's been making me avoid this place like the plague when i gain, or binge or whatever. sometimes i get this crazy feeling like you're going to find out i'm a total hypocrite, a sham, a failure.

i skip posting weigh ins because i dont want to feel like a failure. i dont want to let you down.

but i think i have been. not by gaining and losing and yo-yoing, but by not letting myself write about me. i've been trying so hard to make it all about losing weight that i forgot about the major component of that equation. me, as a person. forgot to vent and share about the ups and downs of my days and all the wonderful, painful, stressful, rainbow-of-emotional things i see and do and feel. i want to tell you about my cooking, my baking, and not worry about people thinking i could do without it, or that i could probably lose more weight if i avoided it. i want to tell you about how great school is going, how honored and stressed i was about recieving a scholarship, how amazing my fiance is and how truly in love with him i am. i want to tell you about the daily, sometimes hourly, struggles i have with my body, my weight, and my eating.

i think by unconsciously focusing so hard on not letting someone else down, i doubly let myself down by thinking my shit isnt worth writing about, and by self sabotaging my goals. that self sabotage is a handy tool, if you can recognize it for what it is and your unconscious motives behind it. i need to show myself again that life isnt all about losing weight. its about all the crazy little bits and pieces that make life so topsy-turvy awesome.

i will be continuing my weight loss efforts, and i might even share some numbers, but i think for now i'm going to focus on other things within this space.

and i do honestly know that all of this is in my own head. i'm pretty sure you guys arent all sitting out there thinking how disappointed you are in me, thinking i've given up. i know this. but if i can ask one small favor from you guys it would be this, right now, from all of you, but especially those who comment, i don't want advice. right now i need support, and understanding. thank you.

whew...

2010-10-11T21:13:00.000-04:00

crazy yet awesome weekend, topped off by a great class tonight.

weigh in scheduled for tomorrow morning....

(thank god i behaved and ate well at the apple harvest...though i SO wanted to try the pumpkin funnel cake)

its mini candy month bitchesssssss....

2010-10-05T21:16:00.000-04:00

oh yes. i have fun size fever y'all.

this is my plan of action: purchase ONE single bag of whatever halloween candy of my choice. i give myself carte blanche to eat it whenever i want. i can choose to eat it all at once, or i can choose to make it last. regardless of what i choose, on november 1st, the leftover candy is getting given or thrown away. that gives me roughly one small piece of candy per day if i stretch it out.

so i'm giving myself this chance. i'm not giving myself any restrictions. i'm thinking of it like a bank account, very much the way i view my calorie "budget" for the day. i have so much of x. i have y amount of days to make it last. i can choose to "spend" it all at once, and feel tempted for the rest of the time. or i can budget, spread it out so that i can satisfy my halloween candy cravings all month long.

sounds like a win to me.

dudes though, i think i found my new favorite school night dinner. tonight i came home starrrrrrving. i was craving some salmon, but so did not want to fire up the oven and wait around for one little piece of fish. so i decided to take a bowl, put the frozen salmon filet in the bottom and poured in about a half cup of water and 2 tablespoons of low-sodium teriyaki sauce. topped it with parsley and a little garlic powder and nuked it for 5 minutes. it came out tender and just a little crispy on the top and sides, just the way i like it. it sucked up all the marinade and made it so so so tasty. a quick nuked baked potato and green beans and i had dinner ready to go in less than ten minutes.
awesome.

in other awesome news, i've been crazy busy and minorly stressed, but for once there's nothing bad about it. everything is kicking ass. i was awarded a scholarship, which will definitely help pay for school/books next semester and i am currently carrying all A's in all my classes, all of which i love. i am also on the cusp of deciding if i want to finish my associates degree or go hardcore and get my BA. i think part of me has already decided, but i want to carefully weigh all my options.

slowly working my way back to having healthy eating and activity be second nature. it's taking a while, but each day that i complete my goals is one more day towards a future of doing it every day. a healthy future where i am not held back by my weight and bad habits.

and in the spirit of doing healthy things, i am setting my quit smoking date (the latest, gonna try damn hard to make it the last time) for my birthday. november 5th 2010 i will be 23. i am giving myself the gift of health. giving myself the gift of breaking my dependence on ciggarettes for support. i want to work up to being able to live life without needing the crutch of smoking. i deserve it.

week 1 weigh in...

2010-10-02T15:34:00.001-04:00

::drumrollllll::

333

even.

thats a loss of 1.2 lbs.

i'm ok with it. not ecstatic, but i've got one week down and i lost. thats a win in my book.

as for my goals, lets check in and see how i did:
-track every day- i didnt really get my act completely together until about wednesday, but i've been tracking consistently every day since.
-30 mins of activity per day- so didnt happen. this one will probably be the hardest for me to get in every week.
-take my vitamins every day- i only remembered to take my vitamin twice this week, but i'm working myself into a routine. someone suggested to me that i take my vitamin at night time before i go to bed. i've been doing it the last two days and i wake up feeling pretty awesome. apparently the body absorbs it better at night. i've been popping a vitamin each night right before i brush my teeth, so hopefully i can keep up this habit going.
-motivational quote- i think i'm going to can this one because i weigh first thing in the morning and i completely forgot about doing this. maybe i'll pick one or two fun quotes to put on there every month or so.

alright, decent first week back. let's go week two!

P.S. I'm playing around with new backgrounds and stuff, and i wanted to know if the one i currently have up makes it difficult to read, or do you guys dig it?

like trying to run with only one foot...

2010-09-28T22:20:00.000-04:00

progress has been up and down. i mean, i know its only been a matter of days since day one, but sometimes i forget how much you actually have to pay attention to do what you want to do. i feel like i've been tripping over my own feet, getting in my own way, and it's making me feel like a rookie.

one thing that i think will be a huge help; i just got the livestrong.com MyPlate app for my blackberry. now i can put in my info from anywhere instead of trying to remember to get on the computer at the end of the day. i'm on my phone all the time, so it should help keep tracking my foods on the front burner of my brain. i KNOW that for me tracking is absolutely key. tracking, more than anything else is what helped me lose 30+ lbs last time. so its kind of an obvious priority. dont know why it took me this long to figure that out.

with the start of the fall semester, another struggle is making sure i have healthy, easy to prepare (or heat up) meals for school nights. on mondays i only have one class, and don't have to leave till 5 so i have been trying to plan on cooking several nights worth of meals on monday nights. tuesdays and thursdays i'm on campus from 10 a.m. till 8 p.m. here is where the pre-made meals come in. by the time i get home from school, i am starving. so i need to have something to eat right away, and that something needs to be healthy and filling enough that i dont feel the need to graze later while watching tv and doing homework.

tonight i made some baaaaaaangin sesame chicken. i used a weight watchers recipe and modified it slightly. it wasnt exactly takeout style, but it was so freaking good. especially with some white rice and green beans. YUM!

here's to relearning old lessons!
see ya'll on saturday

and the verdict is.......

2010-09-25T15:02:00.001-04:00

334.2

alright.
i can work with that.

my goals for the last 100 days of 2010 are:
-track every day
-get at least 30 mins of activity per day
-take my vitamins every day
-every week before i weigh in, stick one motivational, inspirational or moving quote to my scale.

time to get busy folks.

yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

getting ready...

2010-09-24T15:33:00.000-04:00

oh man. tomorrow's the day.

THE frigging day!

part of my preparations are taking inventory of my pantry and fridge, to start plotting out meals, and jotting down a list of necessaries.

another part of that is cleaning. i don't know about anyone else, but when my house is a clutter hole, i always get just a little bit lazy. having clothes piled in my bedroom, towels everywhere in the bathroom, and the kitchen in shambles makes me just want to escape with a bag of cheetos in front of the tv.
so today, is a cleaning day. a laundry day. a dishes day. as much as i hate it, i know it will help me, and that's really all the reasoning i need.

one of the things i've been planning to do is keep a body log. i want to post or privately journal every day about how my body feels. i want to be able to track the correlations between what i eat and what i do, the effects it has on my body, and vice versa. i think by recording it, i might be able to see patterns from month to month so that i can proactively prepare for when my hardest days will hit.

i'm also taking inspiration from the people doing the Hot 100 challenge. i'm not actually participating in the challenge, but i will be doing a personal challenge for myself. the idea is that you start with 3 or more goals that you challenge yourself to stick with every week, for the last 100 days of 2010. tomorrow i will be stating my goals as well as my first (or billionth first) official weigh-in.

to be honest, i'm scared. but also freaking excited.
its been a long time since i've gotten excited about doing something for myself.

countdown to the re-start...

2010-09-21T00:02:00.000-04:00

i'm setting my re-start date for saturday.

there are people out there who will say that you should just start right away, but i'm preparing myself. i'm making sure i have everything i need on hand so that i don't start stumbling right off the block.

i'm motivating myself, reminding myself what i'm really doing here and what my goals are.
i'm reminding myself that i am doing this for *me* and my health. i'm not doing this so i can wear skinny jeans.
i'm doing this so that i can climb the stairs to class without dying.
i'm doing this so i don't have to carry 100 lbs of dead weight.
i'm doing this for my heart. i'm doing this for my knees. i'm doing this for my feet. for my back.
i'm doing this for my future children.

i brought my scale home (it was living in the boyfriend's bathroom), so that i can start day one bright and early.

3 days and counting....

here we go, let's bring back an old favorite:

goals folks, let's achieve em.

bring it.

by way of review...

2010-09-11T23:46:00.001-04:00

for myself and for anyone just starting or just trying to start over again...

weight loss 101

the basics-

-eat healthier.
duh.

-eat balanced.
i try to balance my intake depending on what activities i plan on doing afterward. for example: i eat a higher protien diet usually, but i try to eat the most protien for my morning meal because thats when i need to be able to stay full and focused until i get a chance to eat lunch. for my midday meal i eat more carbs (but healthy carbs) because i need the energy as my body starts to wind down for the evening. by dinnertime i eat my smallest meal of the day. since i usually plan on sleeping only a few hours after i eat, i dont need a ton of protien, nor do i need the carbs for energy. i load up on veggies to fill me up and generally divide my plate into quarters. i make two quarters of the plate vegetables, another quarter of protiens, and the last quarter is a carbohydrate.

-track what you eat.
however you do it, do it, and do it consistently. personally, i have found past success in simply tracking calories. i give myself a goal of about 1900-2000 calories per day. no one can ever eat *exactly* 2000 calories a day, but giving yourself a goal can give you an idea of what to eat and when you should eat it.

-get active.
pretty much self-explanatory here. taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking farther away, taking time out of your day to be more active. i'm planning on hitting up the gym on campus once the weather gets cooler.

-be self-aware.
this is a big one for me. what caught me up the last time was not keeping track of how i was feeling emotionally. i put a lot of stock into numbers and it just kind of left the emotional part of me hurting. sometimes writing regularly in a journal, in addition to blogging, can help me keep an eye on when im feeling vulnerable or insecure.

-drink water.
yea yea, sometimes this isnt always conscious. i've gone days in a row without drinking any water. those usually arent my best days. i try to keep a bottle of water within reach most of the time, which makes it the first thing i reach for when i'm thirsty.

-wear clothes that are comfortable AND fit you well.
clothes that are too tight or too loose can mess with your self esteem. when your clothes fit well, no matter if you plan on losing weight, you feel better. when your clothes fit you can also better guage any fluctuations in your weight or body. whenever i wear clothes, especially jeans, that are way too big, i dont always notice big, or little gains.

-don't label foods as "bad".
you know the second you tell yourself you can't have something you want it even more. so why not let yourself have some. key word here: some. don't eat a whole pan of brownies. eat one brownie. satisfy your craving, and move on. if having large amounts of tempting foods around makes you feel like bingeing, put them in containers that you can't see through. sometimes when i can't see the food, i forget about it. or, give it away. i'm an avid baker, and i love making things that may not always be friendly to my weight loss. so what i do is keep a small portion of whatever i make for myself, and split the rest up between family and friends. trust me, you'll be less tempted, and your friends will LOVE you.

i'm sure there are a metric ton of tips and tricks for weight loss, but these are the ones that work for me.

what are your tried and true tips?

a full day, a perfect day...

2010-09-09T21:37:00.000-04:00

perfect days are so rare, and so wonderful....like a rainbow, the longer it sticks around the brighter it makes your day.

today was one of those days. there was no rainbow, but babydolls, i didnt need one.

i got a solid 8 hours of sleep last night. woke up early enough to not only shower and pick out a cute outfit, but to eat a healthy breakfast, pack a healthy lunch, and put a healthy dinner in the crock pot. i also left the house early enough to make it on campus 20 minutes early, and get a great parking spot.

at this point i was braced for the other shoe to drop right on my head. but it didnt. it kept on being amazing.

home to a hot meal, and now relaxing on the couch with some criminal minds. ready to enjoy my weekend.

lets see if this rainbow can keep on shining. i'm taking it one day at a time.

blogger? its me, erin....

2010-09-08T13:08:00.000-04:00

it has been a lonnnnng time...
but you know, i think i needed some time away. not that i don't love you all (cause i do), but because i gotta take care of me sometimes in ways that don't involve baring my soul (and fat ass) to the web community at large.

i've had a whirlwind couple of months this summer, some days were amazing, some exhausting, frustrating, pick your adjective, i felt it.

you ready?

i got....ENGAGED!!! oh yes, the most romantic, completely spontaneous proposal story ever (which by the way, we wont be able to share with our families...if you know what i mean *wink*) i don't have any pretty sparkly bling pics for you as of yet because the proposal came before the ring lol so right now i'm just wearing my claddagh ring on my left hand, which on its own has a lot more meaning to the both of us than a diamond.

along with all the happy, theres been some not so happy. i gained maybe 15 lbs of what i previously lost, back. i think a combination of more time at home (as opposed to being at school for most of the day) which gave me more time to snack and make bad food choices and not being as active like i was during the semester let me pack on the pounds again.

i'm not going to make any rousing motivational speeches, i'm just here to say i'm back. i'm going to make an effort to blog here at least once a week, because it does help a lot to keep me focused and help me get things out on "paper" to help me work through the rough spots. no more trying to muscle through and do it on my own with no support. this time i'm asking for help when i need it.

as all great starts go, i've got a fridge and pantry stocked with healthy eats, a sweet little lunchbox to carry my healthy lunch to school, and a stack of great recipes to keep me full and fired up this winter.

i took a couple steps back, but heres to taking the first step forward once again.

weakness (and the strength you can find from admitting to it)

2010-06-29T00:34:00.000-04:00

so here's me saying i'm not perfect y'all.

i completely surprised myself when i realized that all motivational crap i was using to fill space on here was just that. crap. i don't know if i was trying to convince you guys, or myself, but i was pretending.

i forgot to stay true to myself and be honest with myself. i started this blog for me. then people started to read and follow and i started censoring myself and tried with all my might to make this blog sound anything but whiny and emotional. or god-forbid, boring.

you know the old adage that the more you tell a lie, you start to believe it yourself? we'll thats what happened. i kept feeling shitty but i made it sound like i was hanging tough. but the more i tried to pretend, the shittier i felt about it.

i knew it was bad when i felt like i was letting my readers down before i felt like i was letting myself down.
so i just stopped writing. stopped pretending.
i needed to either live in my misery, or struggle through it.
i got to the point where i was ok with the idea of not blogging anymore. i think for the first time i understood why some people just up and disappear forever from the blogrolls. and i think i needed that. i needed to get to the point where going a month without blogging didn't make me feel guilty. or backsliding a bit didn't make me horrible. it just means i have be twice as strong to go back down the road to my goals instead of settling where i am.

i'm not going to force myself to be chipper or motivational for you guys, because i'm still trying to motivate myself. i'm still trying to believe my personal pep talks.

here's me admitting that i am, and was, weak.
and that makes me feel stronger.

it's been a trip y'all...

2010-05-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

girlfriend ain't doing so well folks.

in the past two weeks i've gone up, and down, and over again. and i'm not even talking about my weight here.

i kind of screwed myself when i started off the weekend before finals with a "fuckmydiet" attitude. i was studying for hours at a time, and when it came time to scarf something down my mind was on everything but getting in my fruits and veggies.
then came finals week. INsane stress y'all. little sleep, lots of carbs/caffiene. but when it was over, instead of going back to eating well i justified bingeing on cheese curls and margaritas and chocolate covered things by telling myself i was celebrating.
and THEN...this saturday some heavy family shit came to light and sent me spiraling real fast toward anxiety attacks and depression. i fought to get over that by downing wendys and peanut butter eggs.
did i mention i also quit smoking 3 weeks ago?

yeahhhhhh.

its been fun.

the long and the short of it is, i've gained like...5+ lbs in 2 weeks and i feel awful. my body feels heavy and sluggish. i'm not happy. and not being happy about my body doesnt really help with trying to feel better about everything thats going on.

this is me saying enough. i could let this put me into a 3 month food coma, but i'm not. i'm not letting my mother's problems ruin my happiness too.

i know i make declarations like this often, but i think its important. not for repetions sake, but to keep reminding myself that i have a person to take care of. me. above anyone else, i have to take care of me.

in better news, i passed all my classes! 2 a's and 2 b's. woooohooo!!! all that hard work definitely paid off. cant wait to go back in the fall.

i'm going to make a better effort to post on here more often...this place gives me more support than i've ever found anywhere. i loves you dudes.

updated progress pics....

2010-04-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

thank you for reminding me!

i'm pleased...but i just dont see as big of an improvement from the last one...and that was almost 20 lbs ago! perhaps its going from other places than my belly...(though check out my booty...whered it go?!)

regardless...i'm happy. i know i'm kicking serious ass. *kaPOW*

back in the saddle (weigh-in)...

2010-04-19T12:06:00.000-04:00

ok folks, new weigh in day, and my first official weigh in since my body, brain, and scale decided to battle...

and here are the resulllllts.

starting weight: 350
current weight: 318.4
loss since last weigh in: -5
total loss: -31.6

ahhh...so nice. i do so love the feeling that comes with having a great weigh in, especially when you've been fighting so long and not seeing the numbers you want.

and guys..i'm so pumped. i am just 3.4 little lbs away from my first 10% loss. its taken a hell of a lot longer than i anticipated, but the fact is, i will hit that goal. i can take pride in knowing that when i hit a roadbump this time around, it was only a month or two where i was caught spinning, not 6 months or a year or more and wake up again 30 lbs heavier. no, i can proudly shout that i am 30 lbs lighter today, and i can feel it in every part of my life.

in other news.. i have 98 followers! you guys!? thats so awesome....i'm kinda feelin like i should do somethin to thank you. i'm a little broke for a giveaway, but i'll def think of something :)

well hello there...

2010-04-13T13:06:00.000-04:00

hey all...

things have been purdy exciting around these parts lately but at the same time, i just have not been in the mood to blog.

first things...its spring motherfuckers! it is gorg-us out all the time now and i can't get enough.

second thing...my body finally corrected whatever imbalance was going on inside that kept making my weight fluctuate so much (and maybe some fresh batteries for the scale helped too) and i'm back down to my lowest weight since starting in august. in fact, i'm down 1 from there, leaving me at 321 for the week.

now that i'm back where i feel like i should have been all along, i'm ready to get back into posting my weekly weigh ins. i'm claiming mondays as my new weigh in day, ensuring that i will be on my game during the weekends and ready for weigh in bright and early monday.

thats bout all i've got for ya's today, other than school is going great, ready for summer....

i promise i will try and post at least once a week, but we're in the final lap here for school and projects and finals are looming, so, i will do my bestest.

till then...
onward!

just like crack...only sexier....

2010-03-24T12:42:00.000-04:00

so last weekend, i attended my very first Zumba class....

oh.
my.
gawd.

it was AMAZING. the whole class was so fun. i worked my ass off, but didn't feel like dying. i was smiling and laughing and enjoying every minute. i made it through the whole 1 and a quarter hour class and when it was over i wanted MORE. like...right away.

i felt so good all day. i felt energized and full of awesome. the boy even said i looked "radiant". um? i will absolutely take that.

i had some minor soreness in my hips and feet/ankles, but when youre shakin your ass for an hour your hips are bound to feel it, and i know the foot/ankle shit is cause my sneaks need serious replacing.

but lemme tell you, i cannot wait to take my next class. the center where i did it holds classes tuesdays, thursdays, and saturdays. it seriously could not have worked out better.

it is such a good workout y'all. one 1 hr. session burns around 750 calories...for an average (150 lb) person. just imagine how much more it burns for someone weighing twice that? you know how long you have to walk on the treadmill or the elliptical to burn that much? nuuuts. i'll take the fun, dance-y option over the stay-in-one-place-and-die-of-boredom one. but thats just me :)

other than that...i've been doing really well lately. i'm in hella better spirits and i'm back in a serious groove. i'm eating seriously well and still enjoying the various treats of spring and summer.

i've sort of modified my "low-carb" diet to reducing mostly only processed food. most of the processed foods available are super high in sugar/carbs/badstuff, so i want to be avoiding that. some fruits and veggies are high in sugar/carbs, but its all natural, and i'll be hellbent to find something wrong with it. there are no preservatives or chemicals, or additives, so i know its safe to put in my body, and whatever sugar or carbs that are in it will be used, and used well. i think by reducing the amount of processed foods, the number of carbs i consume will be naturally lower.

my jeans are fitting better every day, even if the scale isn't moving. my brother and i did discover that my scale is messed up though. i should be well under 320 by now, but the scale shows me between 323 and 325. whatnow? my scale has always been wicked reliable and now its trying to make me cry. the scale at my moms shows the right weight, so i'm not super worried. i know i'm doing what i should be and sticking with my goals, i'm not going to let it get me down and bingey. no ma'am.

till next time,

goals folks, let's achieve em!

full steam ahead....(and a NSV!)

2010-03-18T20:54:00.004-04:00

well folks, since i left you with my last majorly motivational (at least to me) and serious hear-me-roar declaration i return to tell you i've been moving full-out-no-stops towards my goals.

its been somewhat of an adjustment getting used to cutting a large part of my daily carbs, but after some minor slips and slides, i got my footing and more of an understanding of what it means to be committed to this low-carb bishness.

tonight i made a delicious dinner that was most definitely on plan. i made jamaican jerk seasoned flounder fillets, sauteed zucchini slices, and probably the most wonderful thing i've ever tasted...mashed carrots with garlic and butter.

as far as my NSV...oooh yea. i dug out my jean capris last week and holy crap...these things were tight as shit last year. like, barely squeezed myself in tight. this year? they're practically falling down. WIN!

onward!

my battle cry....

2010-03-15T12:29:00.001-04:00

i have been fighting a war my friends.
a war where i am fighting from all sides.

not only am i fighting the scale, i am fighting myself. i've been in an angry stalemate for the past few months.

but girlfriend wants to WIN this war.

i've been in this vicious battle, and there had seemed to be no end in sight. i was eating well and seeing crap numbers on the scale. i let that dumb little number stress me out, and drive me into some serious denial/self-loathing. which led to some massive bingeing. in secret and not so secret.

but last night, i had a break, or breakdown. it helped me realize how negatively i've been feeling towards myself lately. with the strength of love beside me, i verbalized everything little feeling i've been trying to eat (literally? word) since the new year. i said hateful, awful things, and laughed when i knew i was about to cry.

i'm through.

i'm through watching this battle carry on, day after day, while i feel trapped inside a maelstrom of shame and hate.

i'm going to fight. and fight hard.

i am fighting for my life after all.

so this is what i'm going to do.
i am NOT going to let that scale defeat OR define me.
i WILL look that plastic, battery operated bastard in the face once a week (and only once a week) and i will NOT step off feeling like a failure.
i WILL defeat him with the sheer power of my determination to win.
i WILL look at the physical measurments of my progress and not despair. (sex on top anyone? WIN)
i WILL bolster myself with positive reinforcement, fuck being negative ya'll. that only leads to girl scout cookie binges.
i WILL NOT give up.
i WILL NOT give in.

i'm starting off this week with a metric ton of motivation. me and the boyfriend are gonna start hitting the gym. together. my mom and i are going to a zumba class this weekend, hopefully a regular thing. i am volunteering. i am putting myself out there. i am taking a personal interest in ME.

every single one of the posts i've made in the last few weeks and months have been leading me to this. every attempt has been to pick myself up, but this feeling, baby its a strong hand pulling me up.

this is my battlecry...and i will not go down without a fight.

its not you...its me (but really...its you)

2010-03-05T12:44:00.003-05:00

oh baby!

spring is such a tease, 'specially up here in the northeast. 50 degrees and sunny one day, 2 feet of snow the next. but soon my friends, soon, it will be all spring-all the time and i cannot wait.

now dont get me wrong, i looove me some winter, but just in like...reasonable, non-debilitating ways. and now that its march, i don't think its unreasonable to tell winter to just move on. we had a fling, and its over. sorry winter, if i wanted to be monogamous i'd move to alaska. i've found someone else. someone warm and cuddly, with only a touch of your cold breezy mystery.

i wanna get out there and walk again without freezing my cookies. i wanna put my coat away (which, if you know about my deep and torrid love affair with coats, is really saying something). i wanna spring clean, ya know, in the spring? i wanna smell fresh grass, and flowering trees and hear the birdies. all that spring-y shit. i want it.

now-ish would be super.

and going with the spring theme here, i'm feeling revitalized. refocused. i've found a new stash of kickassitude.

i realized something the other day. so many people, myself included, give up when they have a bad day, week, or month (months? holla). when i used to do weight watchers, something would come up and i would justify eating badly and i would gain a little. then i'd feel so bad about spending the money for WW and then gaining that i would spiral. and instead of forgiving myself and picking my poor deflated self confidence and motivation off the floor, i'd leave it there. ignore it. and while i was ignoring it i descended deeper into emotional eating, comfort eating, angry eating...etc. then all of a sudden to resurface 6 months or a year later 30 lbs heavier and freaking the fuck out.

i'm getting better at noticing little emotional me all trampled and deflated on the floor. i just give her some love and breathe new life and confidence into her. i'm giving myself that billionmillionth chance (cause you know that second one had came and went a LONG time ago) to recharge and get back on my feet. i may be a little scraped up, but wounds heal...if you let them.

one final thing, i need some help y'all.
i want to go lower carb. LOWER, not superlow. like cut my average daily carbs by like...a fourth. or a third. just something. help me be more aware of the right and wrong kind of carbs i'm putting into this beautiful machine of mine.
so..what i need from you guys:
if any of you are doing low carb, or are carb conscious, or want to try to be,
-i'd appreciate any tips or tricks to reducing carbs
-suggestions for different foods to keep on hand
-meal ideas/recipes

you get the idea? bueno.
i would also love to hear your feedback or any research you've done on low(er) carb living/eating.

oh! i also recieved some blog awards a few weeks ago, which i promise i'll post, but i wanted to officially say thank you for!!

till next time...

goals folks, lets achieve em.

every day, in every way...

2010-03-02T21:27:00.002-05:00

i'm getting better and better.

what is: the life lesson i've been re-teaching myself lately.

these past two months have not been my best. but one thing i do know? they were far from being my worst.

so, i quit bashing myself. i quit saying what a failure i was, how i let myself go off the deep end.

and i allowed myself to be happy with what i've accomplished. so far this year, my achievements haven't been very weight loss related, but another life lesson? weight loss is not my whole life. it's one part of my life. sometimes there are other things that need my focus more. on that note, i have been OWNING in school. seriously owning, and it feels so good.

this week i've been turning my focus back to weight loss, and it doesn't feel forced this time. i'm ready to get back into it and give myself what i deserve, health wise.

i've also made a new goal. i want to be down to 299 by June 1st, 2010. thats 23 lbs in 13 weeks. thats a weekly goal of a little less than 2 lbs. doable? heck yes!

in addition, i want to get moving more too. i checked out the free-for-students fitness center at school, and plan on going for walks now that the weather is getting sliiiiightly warmer. i'm aiming for at least 30 minutes of non-everyday activity.

oh! and i put the scale away for the month of march. i was seriously spazzing out. weighing in every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. it only led to being frustrated watching the numbers move up and down constantly. major stress and self hating goin on there. so i'm banishing it to the linen closet once more.

i'm feeling good. finally got rid of my way-too-big jeans that were making me feel frumpy and baggy and slipped into my much sexier smaller jeans. i can't believe i'm down two whole jeans sizes. it definitely goes a long way to makin a girl feel good about herself.

ahhh...feels good to be back for real.

shall i say it?

i wannnnna say it...

goals folks, lets achieve em.

till next time bitches.....

blog-shy

2010-02-24T12:43:00.000-05:00

oh. hi....

perhaps you may have noticed a slight decrease in the posts department over here?

yea. about that...

i found a loophole around not being able to post from my laptop. this is true.
i can post from school. also true.

i am absolutely, 100% not pleased/feeling majorly guilty about sucking hard in the weight-loss/eating well/exercise department. majorly true.

i've been avoiding posting like the plague. i just shudder at the thought of coming here day after day and posting about how i need to work harder and so clearly am NOT doing so.

clearly, a wake-up call needs to happen. i've become more and more content each day with crappy (oh and i mean crappppy) eating habits i would have flipped out about mere months ago. no good.

i'm straddling a line here. i could go back. really, i could. no one could stop me really. but do i want to go back? do i want to go back to dying each time i climb the stairs? do i want to totally eradicate the progress i've made so far? just to eat junk food and veg out?

fuck. that.

i'm doing it. just fucking doing it. no giving up. no excuses.

here on out.

snowed in and kickin ass...

2010-02-11T20:35:00.000-05:00

we've got maaaajor snow here, but lemme tell ya what, there is no better workout than shoveling snow.

my undying need for freedom from cabin fever has me out in the white stuff, shoveling like a pro. after a few hours of scooping and tossing onto an ever-towering wall of snow, my arms and legs are tight and burning, but i was loving it. i love being outside in the snow. though frankly i wanted to jump into it and build a fort more than i wanted to do work, but my dad and i paired up and worked alternately to clear out both our cars and the rest of the driveway out to the road. if the township doesn't send someone to plow, we'll be back out there again tomorrow clearing the 4 foot high snow drifts that stretch all the way up our quarter mile lane. jeebus.

but the payoff? 1 hour of shoveling burns 500 calories. !!! um? win!?!

i've decided to start posting my calorie goals and activity again. it definitely helped me stay on top of things. i've also started logging my food on fitday.com. when i was losing consistently i got into the habit of being able to judge my food by sight, but i'm feeling the need for a little structure. no one is gonna make me do it but me, so hey, here's me saying its time to do work. time to find that place where i just do it, that place where i'm pumped and focused and committed. i'm gonna pretend that the "ball" is made of spun sugar and full of something precious, like dreams and newborn puppies. i absolutely canNOT drop that ball. think of the puppies!

in other new, i had a really good day today, eating wise. i did go over my initial goal, but the level of effort i was putting in outside demanded some extra calories to burn. at the end of the day, i came in with a pretty good deficit, so i'm not upset.

intake

calorie goal: 2,000

calories eaten: 2,300

activity

snow shoveling-2 hours

calories burned: 1,114 !!!!

till the next time folks!

i still be livin...

2010-02-09T20:01:00.003-05:00

heyyyy....

i just wanted to check in, let y'all know i'm not dead. my laptop decided to be a dick, and i haven't had the time to blog at school. i'm still here.

still playing with the same damn 4 lbs since mid january. it frustrates me, but i know that if i put some serious effort into it, it would be gone like *that*

i'm not beating myself up terribly over it. my clothes are bigger, so i know i'm losing something from somewhere, and it feels good. real good.

so my goals for the next few weeks is to bust ass. bust it haaard.

goals folks. lets achieve em.

conquered cravings and blog love...

2010-01-22T12:25:00.004-05:00

hey all,

i'm taking full advantage of a cancelled afternoon class and an open computer to come and blog at you fine people. you're welcome. :-)

first, i just have to share how excited i am that i actually made a good food decision last night. lately my eating has been hit and miss. mostly just grabbing lunch or dinner on the run and between classes, the unconscious iffy choices have kind of snuck in. but i'm on it, the hecticness of a new schedule is gone, so its time to be smart. thats what college is about, no?

ok, i don't know if everyone gets em, but around here we get these coupon booklets from mcdonalds in the mail. baaaad news. so there was one in the mailbox the other day and it was just sitting there on the counter, looking inanimate but totally beckoning. it had me craving in a bad way y'all. just about the time i was trying to justify a mcd's run and simultaneously slipping on my shoes, i stopped. i said self, come on now, you were just telling me the other day how we need to get out of bad habits, and get back to basics. i replied, self, you're right, dammit. lets not be dummies here.

so off i marched to the grocery store where i picked up some fixings for a cravings buster. i got some thick cut oven fries and some italian rolls and when i got home, i made one of the tastiest grilled chicken sammys i've had in a lonnnng time. and it totally killed my craving. for the price of a greasy burger or chicken sandwich and fries at mcdonalds, i made a way better decison, and even had enough left overs to take to school for lunch today...i'm tellin ya, i'm gettin my smarts back. indeed.

second on the agenda, i recently recieved some blog lovins from two lovely ladies, kimmi and rachel. thanks girlies!

okay, the rules for this little cutie are:

post 10 things that make you happy

try to do at least one of them today

and pass some lovins on to 10 other bloggers

and go...

10. the pure pleasure of picking up a big, fat, glossy fashion magazine. the more perfume ads the better. just something about the way it smells and the content just equal pure luxury for me.

9. catching up/spending time with my brother. that kid is so fucking funny. when he comes home from school we spend hours just hanging on the couch laughing, telling stories and looking at rediculous youtube videos. it just never feels like home without him.

8. cooking. for me, finding a new recipe that i just can't wait to try is thrilling. buying the ingredients, preparing and cooking the meal, step-by-step puts me at peace. and even better, sitting at a table with people who i love and who love to eat what i oh-so-precisely prepared for them.

7. folding laundry. and not just any laundry. hot from the dryer laundry. mmmmm

6. spending time with the ones i love. friends, the boyfriend, family...they all mean so much to me.

5. amazon.com. do i really have to explain this one? perhaps my 8 page wishlist can help you out.

4. being outside. i love nature, in all seasons. i love seeing the places of my memories, and discovering new places to make memories.

3. photography. bliss. period.

2. finding out that i really can accomplish my goals, if i only give myself what i deserve. and that is love. and forgiveness when i screw up.

1. blogging. i have found an insane amount of love for this here little outlet of mine. for some reason, you people let me say whatever the hell i want to. and i love you for it.

share the love....

ok 10 bloggers i want to share some lovin with:

about half of these are ''new-to-me'' bloggers who i just gotta share some love with...

Girly Bitz -funny as hell. peri. od. love.

Erin @ Glam, Glitz & Gut- i don't just love her blog cause we got the same name.

Tiff @ Project 365- this girl is seriously amazing. she's got serious motivation and a serious goal. i definitely admire her in a biiig way.

The Phat Nanny- totally fun and funny. love.

Jheneal and Jheanelle @ The Lost and Found- two sisters, one goal. love.

Lilu @ Live it, Love it- hmmm...just because someone just won a bunch of 20SB awards doesn't mean i can't jam some more love in her pretty face, right? take it lilu, take it like a man.

Dree @ The Making of Dree- an american girl in ireland. love.

Sophie @ Tales of an Ordinary Life- one of my favorite brits. love.

Tricia @ Fight Fat Phobia- cause she's laid up with a busted foot, going batshit. love.

Hadley @ Halving Hadley- she just returned from a bit of a hiatus, and we are all glad to have her back. love.

busy bee...

2010-01-20T12:26:00.003-05:00

hey guys! long time no post, eh?

i've been busy busy lately, but i thought i'd hit ya up with an update or two.

school is going great. i'm riding a serious wave of motivation and actually DOING SHIT. huh...this is new. lol

i think it really ties in to the behaviors and skills i've learned on my weight loss journey.
-commitment
-focus
-and a serious desire to not fuck myself up.

who knew? you work hard on changing one part of your life and you end up effecting all parts of your life. it's really kind of a wonderful realization to come to, you know? realizing that i can change my worst habits and transform them into habits that will help me succeed.

::amazeface::

on the weight loss front, my numbers have been going slightly up and down over the last week or so, but in general i'm maintaining. a combination of moving more and eating regularly is definitely giving me physical results. even after only a week of climbing up from the parking lot to my first class, its getting less taxing each time i do it. i'm loving the fact that lugging 20 lbs of books up a mountain will only help me get stronger and lose more. i'm trying to focus less on the number on the scale and more on the physical improvements i can see and feel, cause in the end, the number is the far more subjective measurement.

i've decided that i'm going to switch to bi-weekly weigh-ins. at first, i'm sure i'll have some anxiety about not seeing a number every week, but i've been noticing some obsessive weighing habits slipping back in, and thats achieving nothing but stressing me out. and i'm so over that.

on the love front...this girl could not be happier. :) i'm tearing down a lot of my defensive walls and disabling some negative defense mechanisms. its a transition, to be sure, but i could not have found a better partner to walk this road with. the people around me are noticing a marked difference in the way i laugh, talk, and smile. which by the way...its pretty much a constant thing, this smile of mine. i wonder...does strengthening of the cheek muscles burn calories? lol if not, i'm pretty sure i know one thing that definitely does ;)

hope to check back in soon!!!

weigh-in and NSV

2010-01-10T13:33:00.004-05:00

holy balls people.

check it out....

starting weight: 350

current weight: 323.4

weekly loss: -3.2 !!!!

total loss: -26.6

sooo...i definitely expected a gain this week. imagine my total shock seeing that number. lets just say, if i hadn't already peed, i totally would have peed my pants. lol

it feels so good to be over the 25 lb. hump. every 5 or 10 lbs or so is another small milestone. another step toward my goal.

and for my NSV?

i have a pair of silk pijamas. when i bought them, i was so in love with the bold color and style. now? not so much. BUT. i've kept them for over a year simply because when i bought them, the bottoms didn't come anywhere near fitting comfortably. i wanted to make those jammies my bitch.

and guess what? i finally did. they slipped on last night and were comfortable enough to sleep in without feeling like they were gonna shred with the slightest change in position.

i woke up feeling...amazing.

now, onto a new, sexy pair of pjs. i want these...

goals people...lets achieve em.

what the wha?

2010-01-07T19:58:00.003-05:00

what is it about the dead of winter that makes me want to carbo-load like a motherfucker?

the past week or so my food choices have been less than stellar. there's been a serious lack of fruits and veggies, and also lean and red meats. no wonder i've been feeling a bit of the crud. a straight diet of pastas, breads, and cereals will easily make me feel like shit.

tonight i had a dinner of blackened chicken, pasta with garlic and parm, and a massive serving of green beans. already i can feel a difference. kind of a bit of a wake-up call. if i want to hit my goals, i have got to get back to basics.

balanced diet
+ move more
+ drink plenty of fluids
+ plenty of sleep
-------------------
= weight loss

this is the formula i KNOW works for me.

i've been letting some (if not all) of those guidelines slip away. i haven't worked out in weeks, i've been sleeping way more than i need to be, and went rather lax with my diet.

done with that lameness, right now.

school starts on monday and i plan on taking full advantage of the on-campus gym and the necessity to walk to all my classes. i plan on packing healthy, satisfying snacks and meals to get me through the day without ever having to step foot inside the dining hall.

the last time i was on campus was 15+ lbs ago. the climb to and from classes was taxing, i refuse to let it remain so.

weigh-in on saturday. good or bad...i'm facing that scale.

its time to wise up, get back to basics, and rock the fuck on.

end-of-challenge weigh-in

2010-01-03T14:54:00.003-05:00

so folks...

moment of truth.

i orginally weighed-in on friday, but didn't see the loss i was looking for. i attributed it to the unintended excess of alcohol thursday night and some minor water retention/bloating. this morning i followed a hunch and weighed again (i needed pics to post for you all anyway) and saw an additional loss of 2.4 lbs. !!!!!

starting weight: 350

challenge starting weight: 333.4

end-of-challenge weight: 326.6

challenge loss: -6.8

total loss: -23.4

awwesome! didn't meet my big goal but dammit, nearly 7 lbs in a month is kick ass.

i'm definitely excited. i am going to rock my shit this year.

i set my new 10% goal for march 1st. thats approximately 60 days to lose 11.6 lbs. i am SO on it.

goals folks...lets achieve em.

new years and old...

2010-01-01T00:26:00.002-05:00

happy new one boys and girls!!!

2009 was a roller coaster year for me. it started out with insane momentum and motivation. by mid-year i was racing through hairpin, terrifying curves, loops, and freefalls. now as we enter into the new year, it finally feels like i'm sliding comfortably back onto the platform. full of relief, adrenaline and excitement.

i'm ready to jump on a new coaster. only this time i'm prepared. i faced my worst and best year to date. i healed myself through painful failures and celebrated my achievements and successes. i'm entering into 2010 with a full team of support, my friends, family...and the people that helped me push myself harder when i thought i couldn't keep going, who laughed with me, comiserated with me, and shared their own successes and pitfalls, bravely and openly....

YOU

this whole community of ladies (and a few fellas), you guys have lifted me up and helped me to find the strength within myself to never settle for less than my best, but also to find the courage to pick myself back up when i stumble. i will never take for granted all the lessons i've learned and the friendships i've found in this place of all places. thank you, all of you. i can only hope i'm able to be there for you the way you have been for me. i love you guys. for reals.

in 2009 i...
-learned to love me, back tits, thunder thighs and all
-succeeded in being admitted to Penn State University, an immense personal point of pride. to go from an all time low in community college, to finding a major and career calling that genuinely makes me excited for my future, i've never felt so lucky
-lost 40 lbs from my all time highest weight
-lost consistently for 4 months without gaining
-found the strength to overcome an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and depression.
-stopped taking my family and friends and loved ones for granted
-found the love of an amazing man, who loves and wants every inch of me

-tried new things

-went new places

-learned to embrace a new and successful way of living and losing

tonight marks the end of my scale challenge. tomorrow morning is looming. anticipation and fear are battling in my belly. i plan on taking my measurments first, and then weighing-in.

holy shit y'all. i have successfully completed, for the first time, an actual challenge. i've started a hell of a lot of them but i've never looked back over it from the finish line. it feels...awesome.

really. fucking. awesome.

let's go people...let's kick ass for the next 365.
i'll be with you the whole damn way.

i iron-manned that shit...

2009-12-22T10:19:00.005-05:00

holy beezus and ramona....

want a challenge? have your best friend get stuck in your snowy ass driveway and then push that shit till you just can't push no more...

in your pijamas...

my arms and chest and back are just screaming. but it was a hell of a fucking workout. and, bonus: i discovered that the $40 i spent on winter boots instead of spending it on christmas gifts was actually worth it.

in other news...i'm almost at the end of my scale-less challenge. i'm excited and scared about stepping on the scale. and then i'm wondering whether i want to go back to weighing weekly or do it monthly. in all honesty...i busted ass for like half the month and did some serious work. the second half? not so much. i still made progress, true...but i know i could have done so much better. i may compromise and do bi-weekly weigh ins.

i also tried on a few dresses i bought last summer and maaaan. there is a serious difference. they are SO big up in the bust lol. and there's serious improvement in the way they drape on my figure now. now i'm pumped to go shopping for some new sexy dresses. :D

christmas dinner is game-planned like hell, and i'm really excited to see how it'll go. starting wednesday...4 days of baking and cooking and merry making shall commence.

hope everyone has a kick ass holiday! stay strong y'all. no need to fall ass over ankles off the wagon!

another size bites the dust....

2009-12-18T14:59:00.002-05:00

hell to the yes people!

last night as i was getting ready for bed, i got a little idea. my jeans are getting looser and looser every week so i thought, why not try on the next size down?

and by fucking god...they fit!

albeit they are quite snug, but they zip and button! that counts as victory to me, no?

the last time i fit into these jeans was the summer of 2006...so needless to say, i'm pretty frigging excited.

on the the next!

goals folks...let's achieve em.

a. perfect. fucking. weekend.

2009-12-14T01:35:00.005-05:00

i had an in.sane. weekend.

saturday i went out to the bar for my girl abbey's 21st (belated) birthday party. we had a nice little gathering. did some catching up and gossiping with the chickies, some drinking and bullshitting with the boys and generally had a pretty good time.

sunday...oh my god. that hint i made about possible love in the air? consider it official. i spent an entire day with this guy...just being with each other. he made me breakfast...pancakes. so cute. lol. my head is in the fucking clouds right now. i didn't ever think spending time with anyone could be so comforting and familiar. we've only known each other for a little while, only gone on 3 dates so far, but sometimes, you just have a feeling...

as far as my eating...i've been doing pretty well, despite a new man who cooks like a top chef and a slight increase in alcohol consumption. lol wine just goes so well with fine dining.

-stats-

friday
calorie goal-1900
calories eaten-1850

saturday
calorie goal-2000
calories eaten-2176

sunday
calorie goal-1900
calories eaten- 1906

stats/ christmas dinner plan of attack

2009-12-10T21:08:00.003-05:00

tuesday

calorie goal-1900

calories eaten-1924

activity

circuit training- 1 hr

calories burned- 150

wednesday

calorie goal- 1800

calories eaten- 1400 (i did end up sleeping in till past noon)

activity

walking- 1 hr. 25 mins.

calories burned-309

thursday

calorie goal- 1800

calories eaten-1700

this week is going by so fast. i still get the urge to weigh at least once a day but the point is, i don't. i'm sticking with what i said i wanted to do. the eating is slowly becoming second nature, and i have to say, it feels amazing. like, for all those times i said i knew what i was doing and then subconsciously sabotaged my efforts, every day i'm learning a new way of getting through each day stronger and better than the day before. i know what foods to definitely not bring into the house, and i'm making sure i keep the best of it stocked constantly.

my mom and i are planning christmas dinner. for 12 people. 3 of whom are on diets. but 9 of whom are gravy and cheese and stuffing loving whores who demand the impossible from us. lol temptation from HELL. but instead of being intimidated and caving and serving up piles of clam balls and cheese balls and all that fat-trociousness. we are making smaller portions of the things the boys absolutely can't live without, and revamping the rest to make it healthier. also we'll be preparing some alternative dishes for the weight-loss minded who don't want to go nuts.

our family has used christmas dinners/ holiday parties as an excuse indulge on a grand scale. this year, at least my mother and i are sticking to the goals we made. the boys? they are irritatingly thin (not neccesarily healthy, but their asses are forgiving when they eat too much...::evil grin:: for nowww...hehe) but the point is. goals folks...theyre being stuck to, and it feels great. empowering even.

in other news, i won't say much just yet, but there's a possibility for love in the air this winter :)

oatmeal, rock of ages, and self discovery...

2009-12-08T09:25:00.002-05:00

first off...oatmeal? we're friendly again. like reaaal friendly. i've been feeling burnt out on cream of wheat and while i was cruising the cereal isle, i looked over at the hot cereals. now let's get something straight. i don't do the fancy oatmeal flavors like date and nut or whatever, i'm one of those people that still are way into dinosaur egg oatmeal.
(which is THE shit by the way. in what other breakfast medium can you start with little eggs and end up with teeny little dinos?! i challenge you to find it.) but i decided to give the jolly quaker another chance and by god he did not disappoint. i picked up the apples and cinnimon flavor, which includes bitty little pieces of dried apples, the only thing i wish there were more of. other than that its a super breakfast. one little packet comes in at under 150 calories and i stay full and satisfied till just before lunchtime. super delish yo. in fact...i think i'm a little obsessed. is it possible to be an oatmeal junkie? just gimme my dark roast and a bowl of that and i'm in heaven.

secondly, rock of ages on broadway.

i wanna go real bad. the only thing, i cannot stand constantine maroulis (of american idol fame) and unfortunately he plays the lead male. sigh. he just looks so ridiculous, and not to mention his overly campy-lothario act. is he really that attractive or just full of his own shit? oh well, they've got some major other talent. enough so that i'm considering going anyway. hmmm...there may be trip to the city in the soonish future.

as far as self discovery goes, i've discovered something about myself this week. i really am strong. i make goals and i have what it takes to chase them down. i may not get there exactly when i plan to, but i will get somewhere, and the only way to go then is onward and up. i think for the first time i'm seeing myself as a success, and a success in progress. i used to think that only once you got to your goal weight could you consider it a success. but now i see that as long as you keep pushing yourself and never settling for half your best, you are already succeeding. success is not measured in pounds and inches. it's measured in the willingness you find inside yourself to go one more day, one day at a time.

week 1? done!...

2009-12-07T17:49:00.003-05:00

i can't believe it.

i actually did it. i made it a whole week. i did a personal best with my eating. like...i literally shocked myself with how well i did.

i even kicked ass in the gym, despite a sudden neck injury. i had to put my shredding dreams on hold for the moment, but i'm not letting it hold me back from doing the best that i absolutely can.

-stats-

saturday
calorie goal- 1900
calories eaten- 1911
activity
walking/jogging on tread-35 mins
calories burned-224

sunday
calorie goal- 2000
calories eaten- 2203 (for some reason i was really fucking hungry all day. i decided to up my calorie goals a little bit, and use them to try and get more protein into my system so i stay satisfied longer)

monday
calorie goal- 2000
calories eaten- 1978
activity
BL weight loss yoga- 30 minutes
walking on treadmill- 20 minutes
calories burned- 400

one week down, three to go!
let's rock on bitches....

day 4

2009-12-04T19:40:00.004-05:00

first things first, i have to reccomend to anyone who feels a little lost, if you feel like giving up, don't....stop right where you are and read this. this chick never fails to make me laugh and also inspire me to kick ass like i know i can.

secondly...dudes, i just had the BEST fucking dinner ever. (well, at least this week) it was totally healthy, and insanely delicious.

i got this little idea today when i was craving pizza hardcore, but didn't wan't to blow my diet for the day.

not entirely original, but it's the first time i've ever made it and it frigging rulllllles.

fresh mini-pizzas with turkey pepperoni

1 whole wheat sandwhich thin, split
1/4 cup tomato sauce
1 cup part skim mozzarella
6-8 slices of turkey pepperoni
1/2 cup chopped red and green peppers

heat oven to 375. place sandwich thin halves on a cookie sheet. spoon tomato sauce over the thins evenly, top each with 3/4 c. of the cheese. arrange pepperoni and top with peppers and the remaining cheese. bake for 5 minutes, set under broiler for 3 minutes or until cheese browns on top. cut each pizza in half and serve.

total calories per serving-531
total fat-26.5
total carbs-37.1
protien-39

wanna know how good it was?

yummmmmm

also, you will notice the empty yogurt container. this evening, i discovered for myself greek yogurt. all i have to say is, why the hell didn't anyone make me try this before?! my grocery store just started carrying it, and i hope they continue, cause i'm pretty sure the little four pack i bought aint gonna last long.

-todays stats-
calorie goal-1800
calories eaten-1656
activity
walking-1 hr 20 mins
calories burned-297

fuck.yea.dudes.

day 3

2009-12-03T22:52:00.005-05:00

oookay

today was pretty great.

i attempted day two of the shred, but last night i pulled a muscle in my neck pretty badly and the sit ups and push-ups were just agonizing. i did as many of them as i could before feeling like my brainstem was going to detach.

heres me all pumped to get shredding

instead of pussing out though, i put in some time on the treadmill. then, while i was in my gym i realized how depressing it is in there. how i have to force myself to stay in there. i need to decorate in there. do it up so it might be a place i enjoy going and feel great in. i did rearrange some of the equipment to open up some space. also i put up a shelf in front of the tread so that i can plug in my laptop and watch movies or tv episodes while i walk. better than staring at the clock.

i'm gonna bust out a serious walk tomorrow while the little booger's napping. i've got a new movie from netflix i haven't watched yet, and how better a way to spend an hour or two?

i've also found a pretty effective pre-workout snack: 1 slice bread or pita spread with 2 tbsp reduced fat peanut butter. its about 300 cals but it keeps me satisfied since i don't usually eat a huge lunch, and packs some good protien. apples and pb is great too, but until payday i'm fruit and veggieless except for half a grapefruit, and really, grapefruits can suck it.

now for some stats-

thursday

calorie goal- 1800

calories eaten- 1853

activity

shred level 1- 8 minutes

walking on treadmill

dude though, even 8 minutes of shred has me sorrrre! i know the more weight i lose the easier it will be to do the whole thing. so...goals folks! lets achieve em!

oh, and this totally floored me the other day watching tv with the kid.....

it's called Pop the Pig. you'd think in a country that has such a huge problem with obesity among children and adults they would pass up the idea for a children's game that involves you stuffing a pig full of hamburgers until it pops. i'm a bit disgusted by it really. seems ridiculously counterproductive.

till tomorrow y'all

a great start/ new progress pics

2009-12-02T14:20:00.005-05:00

today is day 2 of going scale free. i feel like i'm off to a really great start. i did weigh in yesterday and found i was up 1 lb, but thats way better than the 6 lbs the scale kept showing. oi.

yes...marvel at my paleness and the teeny spot

of green nailpolish i'm too lazy to just chip off

i've been eating really well yesterday and today, staying right inside my calorie goals. i've cut a lot of high carby foods, or reduced the amount of the ones i can't live without. i also have been sticking to my plan of drinking only water and coffee. no juices or tea or soda for a while.

i'm going to be taking a page out of rachel @ body by pizza's book and regularly post stats. i feel like it will help me hold myself accountable. i'll be posting my calorie goals, intake, and activity. i'm starting the shred tonight, so hopefully i'll be busting out some serious calorie burns along with my regular walks and gym time.

monday
calorie goal- 1800
calories eaten- 1753
activity
35 minute walk

tuesday
calorie goal-1800
calories eaten- 1803
activity
shred level 1 (20 minutes)

and now for the moment that has me really tickled....my newest progress pic!

i cannot believe that the same jeans that, just a few months ago were so tight i couldn't sit down in without being afraid they'd split, are now getting very loose. every week they fit better and better and soon they just won't fit at all. lol look how baggy they are in the ass! god, every time i take a new picture i just am blown away that there is an actual difference. sunday i went over to my moms for dinner and i wore a tighter shirt than i have the past couple times i've seen her. when i took my coat off she just...looked. then smiled. it felt so good. this hard work i'm doing. it really does show.

alright, it's definitely a start. forward momentum! onward! :)

moment of truth...

2009-11-30T22:39:00.003-05:00

okay.

tomorrow is it. day one of my scale-less month. this means i'll be weighing in 2 days earlier than normal.

i am actually scared.

i've been eating really well. staying well within (and frequently below) my calorie goals.

but something in my head has been making me obsess over the scale. i've been weighing myself sometimes 5 times a day for the past 3 days or so. i haven't EVER done this. i've been number obsessed in the past, but something about going 30 days without looking at the scale is telling me that i can't handle it. some scared part of my subconscious thinks i'm going to go off the deep end without having that scale every thursday to keep me in check.

what the fucking fuck?

knowing this about myself, knowing i've been thinking and feeling this for days without truly understanding what it was about has made me all the more determined to face this fear and just fucking do it.

my weight has been up (by more than i would have though possible) every time i "peek". i don't know if it's a true gain, but i know now that seeing that higher number only fueled the obsessive compulsions to weigh myself and also the feelings of fear.

so whether i'm scared or not, tomorrow morning, i'm getting on that damn scale. i'm getting my shred dvd in the mail tomorrow afternoon, and i'm just gonna do it. no. matter. what.

here's to the next 30 days people.

oh gawd.

weigh-in/ thanksgiving recession style

2009-11-26T17:25:00.004-05:00

happy thanksgiving to my fellow 'Mericans and happy thursday to ev'rybody else :)

i started out my day with a great weigh-in!

starting weight: 350
current weight: 332.4

weekly loss: -2.4

total loss: -17.4

i've lost one of these bad boys so far!

fuck yea! i'm exactly halfway to my 10% goal folks. mmhm.

but then for breakfast...doughnuts.
not just one...
i'm too ashamed to say how many. just know...there was carnage. sugary donut death.

i managed to wipe the glaze off my face, dust off the powdered sugar, and pull myself together.

then i moved the hell on.

later, we had to stop by the grocery store for some dinner stuff on the way to the train station, and we managed to create a decent feast for only $20. everything else we had or made do with something similar. bargain!

our little roaster chicken in lieu of a big ole turkey

simple. necessary.

my famous fresh corn and red pepper cornbread stuffing!

feast?! lol can you tell how much i love me some side dishes?

fresh cranberry, apple and orange relish

our mini punkin pies! 60 cents each and cuter'n hell!

so with another thanksgiving past, i'm thankful for-

-my bro being able to come home early

-sharp knives

-cheap wine

-fresh fruits n' veggies

-a sturdy oven (though God, if you're listening, theres not much i wouldn't do for some sexy double ovens)

-mashed potatoes with lotsa garlic and herbs

-knowing my family is safe and healthy

-and food coma bliss coupled with the relief that comes with knowing my weigh-in is done with till next week.

need a challenge?

2009-11-23T19:29:00.002-05:00

so as thursday draws nearer, i can't help but feel a bit nervous. i've done pretty well this week, but i did fantastic last week and lost next to nothing. i've got serious fingers crossed.

i'm not sure if ya'll caught my last post, for some reason it posted with a completely different time stamp and didn't show up on my own reader, so i'll recap.

sucky weigh-in. moving on.

i'm setting myself some new challenges and i wanted to know if youse guys wanted to join me in in busting ass to start '10 a little lighter and with goals achieved.

i want to go scale-less for the month of december. i want to see if it will be easier to focus on feeling good and getting things done without obsessing about 3 little digital numbers.
my challenge will start on dec. 1st in the a.m., when i will post pictures of my weight on the scale. i'll hide my scale away where i'm not tempted to pull it out and take a quick "peek". on jan 1st in the a.m. i will weigh-in and take an "after" photo.

wanna play along at home? if i can get a few chicks (and dudes, too...im an EqualOpportunityChallengesetter) i'd like to propose a giveaway to award to the person who loses the most weight by the challenge end date. i haven't yet decided what it'll be, but i'll have a better idea of what to give by who i can get to sign up! i'll call it the official December Scale Boycott challenge. eh? lol i'm open to other suggestions too.

i'd also like to set a fitness challenge for myself (and for anyone else who wants to challenge themselves) i want to log 45 miles either walking or biking by january 10th. my motivation is to be able to hike my way up and down the walkways at my college campus (which is on a friggin mountain) and i'd like to replace about 20 lbs of ass with a fat backpack of books.

wanna join me? if yes, leave me a comment saying so or email me directly. i'll set an official roster on dec. 1st.

rock. it. out...

2009-11-18T19:56:00.002-05:00

have you ever looked back at something you've done and just wondered who exactly the fuck hijacked your body?

thats me, thinking about the kickassitude i built up and maintained this week. even when i did weight watchers and was hardcore dieting i never did this well without feeling like it was a homework assignment i was pretty sure i wasn't gonna hand in.

i tracked. everything. everyday.
i got in some serious activity at least 3 days this week. not that silly
"i walked up the stairs a lot today" bullshit.
my eating was fucking on point 7 out of 7 days.

and the best part?

i was really, and i mean *really* happy this week. i haven't felt this honestly good since...god, for a long fucking time.

i've got my shit together. for reals together.
i'm going up to Penn State tomorrow to sign up for my spring semester. and for the first time since even before i graduated from high school have i actually felt ready and seriously pumped about school. not pumped about paying for it, but what the fuck can ya do.

lol even after writing all this, i still have this "who am i?" feeling. did someone slip uppers into my water bottle?

psh...i don't even care. i'm gonna riiiiide it. :)

back on track...

2009-11-16T13:54:00.003-05:00

ahh...

it feels so good to have my focus back.

the past five days have been great. i've kept on track, stayed within my calorie goals while still letting myself have a treat or two. i've also tracked my intake every day since thursday (which sadly is a personal best for the past 6 months or so lol) i've realized that if i'm going to stick with it, i have to make it into a regular habit. and to do that, i have to be willing to take the time to do it every day. also to be honest with myself and not try to pretend i didn't eat something if i did.

lol my fitday account is probably shitting itself wondering who the heck is logging stuff like they're supposed to. since i started using that site, i've only used it to log my weight and calculate my basic calorie guidelines and restrictions. now i'm really putting it to use, and i have to say i'm pretty proud of myself. to look at the log and see 5 whole days in a row rather than 1 or 2 every few weeks. sad, that is.

i've also employed a few tricks to keep myself focused...

-keeping the pantry door closed so i'm not looking in at all the snacks every time i go into the kitchen
-keeping the kitchen light off in the evening so i'm not tempted to go wandering in there for food when i'm bored
-drinking only one glass of non-water beverages a day
-eating my highest calorie meal for breakfast or lunch so that i can burn it off rather than carbo-loading a few hours before bed when i'm at my least active
-leaving my computer downstairs instead of taking it to my bedroom to avoid watching movies on netflix instead of getting well needed sleep
-brushing my teeth after each meal to reduce cravings

hmm. wow...i didn't realize how much i was actually doing to stay focused on my goal. that makes me feel kind of...excited. like i'm putting in a real effort without feeling like its a big hassle or forcing myself to do it.

now i just have to put in more work on the fitness front. i haven't been doing terribly with it, but enough to make me realize i'm still slacking. i have plenty of opportunities to get in exercise during the day, so i have to take advantage of them, cause there's no point in just letting them pass by and then bitching that i'm not seeing the numbers i want on weigh-in day.

i'm pumped to see what kind of results i'll see on the scale on thursday...

all i needed was a reboot...

2009-11-13T11:12:00.002-05:00

yesterday i sat down in my kitchen and thought about what i really wanted. for myself. for my life.

losing focus is a habit for me. one i've fallen back into time and time again. it happens with my weight loss, it happens with school, friends, projects, you name it. and what's more, no matter how often, i let it go on much longer than it ever should. i'm holding myself back, and for what? i have this fear, this...nightmare really, that i'm not just fooling everyone else, but myself. that i'm already a failure, so why not just let myself fail. it's this leftover defense mechanism from a childhood that was far from dreamy. don't put yourself out there, don't trust, don't give your heart away, don't try.

i've turned down opportunities, amazing opportunities...out of fear.

no more.

i have the tools and the strength within myself to take on my world, to follow my ambitions, no matter how far reaching.

all i needed was a good system crash. to help me see the junk i've been letting in my life, in my mind and heart. things that were letting me feel like it was okay to be satisfied with sub par. i'm worth more than that. i deserve to be the woman hiding inside the scared little girl.

so this is my rededication. to myself and to everything i want to achieve, be it weight loss or finally finding a major i love and a career path i can be proud of. a me i can be proud of.

adventures in bingeing.....

2009-11-11T21:42:00.004-05:00

holy binge eating, batman...

what did i do this week?!

i don't know what came over me at times, but i know it wasn't anything that had weight loss in mind.

birthday cake...
margaritas and chips/tuscan spinach dip...
halloween candy...
ice cream...
pizza...

all i can say is thank god i didn't go on a fast food kick. but frankly...compared to binges i've gone on in years past, i'm just glad this occured over a week's worth of time instead of one weekend, or hell, one day. i know i didn't do all bad this week. i had a few healthy meals, pretty decent activity at least 4 days out of 7, and plenty of water, no sodas or massive amounts of snacking. just some out of touch moments of bad choices mixed in with some emotional eating.

there are of course, a few choice excuses i could employ. TOM, birthday celebrating, etc. but i'm not gonna. the calorific malcontents are out of the house and i'm ready to do work next week. i have a goal to reach and i have to prove to myself that i'm willing to put in the effort to make it.

i'm still flip-flopping on making a decision on whether or not i will be weighing in tomorrow, as i usually don't weigh in on TOM weeks. i may do it anyway...sort of as a visual way of acknowledging and taking responsibility for my choices this week.

wish me luck, bloggers...i need to get back on my feet and my mind on my goal.

update...

2009-11-10T11:42:00.005-05:00

apologies for the serious lack in posts, i've just really been sort of...out of things to blog about for the moment.

though i did wanna talk about my weekend fun...

my friend dani and i hit up TGIfridays for drinks and munchies (in which i did partake shamelessly).

tip though...don't go out drinking BEFORE you plan on trying on jeans...lets just say there was some....frustration.

here's some of my shopping spree loot

cream v-neck sweater: $30

gorgeous dark blue denims*: $40

studded animal print flats: $10

embellished leather flats: $40

i also stocked up on some of my favorite old navy t-shirts in white and dark grey, and found a cute slouchy tank for layering in wine for $1.50!

aaand i picked up my traditional birthday caramel apple. its a yearly must...indeed.

* a little story about those PERFECT lovely new jeans. so the pair i tried on fit nearly perfectly (i'm pretty sure the margaritas and appetizers had SOMEthing to do with that), but they had a stain on the leg and the button was loose in its setting. now, i never buy "projects". i expect the clothes i buy to be ready to wear. i went out of the dressing room after trying on all my selections (of which there were many, but none really called out to me), i grabbed another pair, in the same size (trust me, i ALWAYS check) and headed to the register. happy customer, no?
later, at home i'm taking off tags, lovingly putting away my new purchases, and i decide to try on the jeans again. imagine my surprise when i had to fight to get them all the way up, let alone the battle it took to get them buttoned. there was something WAY wrong. so on a hunch i measured the waistband. it's an entire 4 inches smaller than the same size jeans i wear now that are too BIG! now, i know the ones i tried on fit amazingly. this means they sewed the wrong size tag into a size 24 jeans. AND LEFT IT THAT WAY!!!!! i am beyond pissed. i bought these with the sole purpose of being able to wear cute jeans NOW. now 2 sizes from now. grrrrrrr.

has this ever happened to you guys?

happy birthday....

2009-11-05T20:10:00.003-05:00

to me :)

today was threatening to be iffy..but it turned out pretty great.

i baked a cake...

then indulged in some pampering. i got a conditioning treatment, a supercute haircut, and a muuuch needed eyebrow wax.

manicure tomorrow, then drinks and some serious retail therapy on saturday.

oh. yes. can't wait.

birthday weigh-in/ stats update/ new goals

2009-11-05T08:54:00.006-05:00

starting weight: 350

current weight: 335.4

weekly loss: -1.8

total loss: -14.6

ah! so close to 15 it's killing me!!!

ok, let's do a stats update...

total bmi points lost: -2.2

inches lost:

-waist: -4

-hips: -3

-thighs: -2.5

-calves: -.5

-chest: -4.5

-bicep: -.5

so in reaching my initial goal deadline, i find myself in need of a new goal. i've decided to set my new goal for hitting a 10% loss by New Years Eve. that's 20.4 lbs in 8 weeks. its a bit steep and i'll have to work really hard for it, but i have to believe i can do it. i've come this far.

perfect days...

2009-11-03T19:14:00.004-05:00

i just happened to have one today.

or very very near perfect.

i got 8 hours of sleep, woke up ready to have a great day. fullll of energy. the kid and i had serious fun, plenty of activity. i got a TON of housework done; laundry, dishes, etc. made some money, got some money in the mail....yup one hell of a productive day.

i did have a perfect day eating-wise.

nutrigrain bar- 7:30 a.m.
1 egg on 2 slices of toast w/ cheese- 8:30 a.m.
strawberry yogurt- 12 p.m.
romaine salad w/ 4 oz. grilled chicken,
fat free croutons, peppercorn dressing. apple- 3 p.m.
2 small salmon cakes, green beans, 1/2 c. oven potatoes w/ 1 tbsp garlic mayo- 6:30 p.m.

lots of water, little snacking, healthy portions, all food groups covered...sounds damn near perfect to me.

i'm also planning on reading for a little bit and in bed by 11.

here's to more "perfect" days....

sticky laptop death

2009-10-30T20:32:00.002-04:00

ok bloggers...just wanted to let y'all know i might be slightly more absent than usual on account of my laptop falling to pieces. if i can handle typing on it without any more keys falling off or tearing my hair out in frustration...i'll be back.

p.s. hot sugary coffee + keyboard = baaaad match (in my defense...it was only an eensy bit, and when i gently pried up the few keys to clean it, who knew it would kill my keyboard forever.) i'm contemplating a new one...instead of buying a replacement keyboard for a tres old laptop that would end up needing replaced in a year anyway.

weigh-in

2009-10-29T19:50:00.002-04:00

starting weight: 350
current weight: 337.2
weekly loss: -.8
total loss: -12.8

ugh. the worst part is that this comes as NO surprise. i totally dropped the ball this week. too much or not enough of one thing or another. still, its always nice to see even a slightly smaller number.

oh, and just a tip...if you weigh-in in the mornings, don't get all anxious and weigh yourself in the middle of the night "just to peek". i'm certain my weigh in would have been at least a pound better had i not lost my patience and weighed myself at 3 a.m., and when it said i was up 2.8 (!!!!) i then proceded to have a food orgy of shame. thank god i just stuck to pretzels and chips and not the leftover chicken and mashed potatoes calling my name in the fridge. i was also contemplating some grilled cheese and other crappola. thank the baby jebus.

also...i'm getting a little sick of all the product placement on biggest loser. it's just ridiculous. i think i may opt to watch online and bypass all the commercials. did you know at least 30 minutes of the biggest loser programming is commercials? NUTS!

Menu Plan Monday

2009-10-26T21:29:00.003-04:00

so this week i'm focusing on making my 15 lb goal, while still making satisfying and healthy meals. that means lots of veggies, lean meats and fish and cutting back my pasta and carb intake a bit. i have a week and a half until my birthday and i want to try reallllly hard to hit that goal and keep my weight loss consistant.

what i'm eating this week:

monday- tomato soup and grilled cheese

tuesday- baked jerk chicken, smashed potatoes, steamed carrots and green beans

wednesday- cajun shrimp and veggie packets, rice

thursday- caesar salad with blackened salmon

friday- leftovers a' la carte

saturday- salsa chicken, black beans and rice w/ fresh corn and green peppers

sunday- parmesan baked tilapia, baked potato, steamed broccoli

also! i managed to book work for EVERY day this week. mama be gettin some bill moneyyyy

weekend update: enter if you dare.....

2009-10-24T18:34:00.008-04:00

oh man! having such a great weekend so far! my brother came home for a visit this weekend and we've been gettin into some great stuff. i was missin that kid pretty hardcore.

first things first: my spoooooky fridge!

lol think it'll keep me focused? i kept giggling like a dork at the "enter if you dare" context.

today we carved pumpkins and had a serious blast, tomorrow is dinner at the mom's and an apple pie bake-off!

guts and gunnetts!

ahh pumpkin carving...a forgotten art. (left: craig's Drexel Dragon right: mine! jack skellington)

pretty badass if do say so myself (and i do!)

on the weight loss front, i've been definitely working harder at eating more balanced and way less junk. all the candy and sweets are gonegonegone so they will no longer be a temptation. i'm trying like hell to work hard and meet my 15 lb goal this thursday. getting my schedule back in order and keeping track of my foods better will definitely help me achieve that goal.

on another note:
i've also been thinking a lot about body image and what motivates each of us as we take this journey. Jen had a great post yesterday about what motivates her, and it planted a thought seed in my brain. what is it that motivates people? is it looking hot like we did way back when? is it a smaller jeans size? health? family?

everyone has different and intensely personal reasons and motivations for wanting to lose weight. for some they want the body they used to have back, that place in time where they felt they looked best. and let me say up front...there is not a thing wrong with this kind of motivation...if it works for you, then it works, and keep going on with your bad self. but for me, i hated my body for much of my adolesence and never really experienced the pleasure some feel at being slim. but i found my own pleasure as i got older and learned to appreciate the body i had. i found my confidence, learned that no matter what size i am: i am beautiful. maybe the world doesn't think so, but i do. i see my curves and the shape of my figure and don't automatically think: disgusting! i see a story, a person made up of all the aspects of my life. i am motivated to lose weight because i have a life to lead, one that i know will benefit from being healthier. hell yes i want smaller jeans, but that desire is in no way near the top of my list of reasoning. sure, physically i might enjoy seeing a slimmer me, but my life is not defined, nor my beauty or my opinion of myself, by the personal preferences and attractions of other people.

i'm also very motivated by the fact that i want a family, and health-wise it's no lie that being overweight and pregnant/a parent is a big risk. one i'm not willing to take lightly. i want to be able to be healthy for my child or children. i want to be a good example of loving yourself no matter what size, but also a healthy one. i don't have to be a size zero to be healthy. i don't have to be a size 10 to be healthy. i try and remind myself of this fact every time i start obsessing over clothing sizes.

everyone has different goals and motivations and ways that they define themselves in this endeavor, these are just a few of mine. what are some of yours

weigh-in/ the cuteness

2009-10-22T10:46:00.004-04:00

starting weight: 350
current weight: 338
weekly loss: -0.6
total loss: 12 lbs

so yeahhhh...this week's weigh in was telling. though when i look back over my week, i know where i went wrong. and surprisingly it wasn't the introduction of candy and sweets into my house. i think it had more to do with the fact that i didn't track AT ALL, and i ate out a few times. i ate more often at night and was pretty inactive. i'm just glad i didn't gain.

it's time to re-commit. for reals. i really kicked ass yesterday getting the house cleaned and cleared away (over the 3 weeks or so that i was sick, i really really let the housework slide). it feels good to have a clean house again, clear of all the clutter. now i just have to work hard on the activity and tweak my eating a bit, make healthier smarter choices.

in other news...today and tomorrow i'm babysitting for my godson. he is such a freakin cutie. hopefully i can burn some serious calories chasing his goofy ass around the house lol

when you know you have a real friend...

2009-10-20T18:28:00.003-04:00

is when you go almost a month without talking and she still loves you.

cause she knows you hate talking on the phone and can never remember to call people.

but quietly reminds you about how much it annoys her to help you be a better friend.

love you sarah. thank you for putting up with my crap for 8 years and still loving me.

love you to the moon, and then to pluto.

best best on the planet

so...i went on a grocery store binge today. not eating, buying (though the eating will come). but i bought me a neat little stash of halloween crap. i didn't buy a huge variety bag of candy, rather a couple full size candy bars. i think i got like 5. i hid them up in a cupboard for when i just gotta have me some chocolate. i also got a package of popcorn balls. theyre pretty low in fat and calories and also super awesome. the only thing is now i've got a bunch of candy and sweets in the house and i'm waiting for that urge to binge to kick in.

i'm proud of myself for not spending 20 bucks on candy, but i'm wondering if i screwed myself over by giving in to my cravings.

we'll see, come weigh in on thursday...

blogblock/ dexter lovefest

2009-10-19T10:47:00.002-04:00

yeahhh...i seem to have blog block. nothing is going on, nothing is going through my brain...

which might have something to do with the 24 hour (literal), 2 season, Dexter love fest that just occured in my bedroom. (woulda been 36 if netflix had season 3 available to watch instantly)

when something other than the combatting urges to eat or sleep for 10 hours fills my brain, i will be certain to spill it all out here for youse guys.

oh. yes. updated progress pics!

2009-10-15T09:39:00.004-04:00

i can't think of a title that can fully explain how flipping pumped i am right now.

starting weight- 350
current weight- 338.6
weekly loss- 4 lbs!!!!!
total loss- 11.4

ummm...hell YEAH!

i don't really know what kind of number i was expecting since last week threw me for a little loop. mostly this week i was working my ass off trying to negate that possible gain. i guess it fucking worked, man.

when i looked at the number on the scale, i gasped and literally almost fell off. lol. now, i always weigh 3 times in a row, to make sure there's no other possible weights, but i tell you what, i did NOT want to get back on. it was like my unicorn. look again and it's gone. but i did...2 more times...and YES! it's official...i'm down 4 lbs for a total of 11.4. i'm 4 lbs away from my first goal and 10.6 lbs away from my birthday goal

now i just have to keep myself going...i always start to slack off after the first 10 lbs so i gotta stick with it and do work.

for this next week i'm going to try and meet a few small goals-
-work out at least 3 times
-journal at least 5 days
-walk 6 miles (/wk total)
-kick major ass.

giving up my ghosts/ fashion update

2009-10-14T19:51:00.005-04:00

over the years, i've had a lot of different ghosts in my head saying negative things.

some are me. some are family members. there's even one from waaaay back in the 3rd grade.

i had planned (and got halfway through writing) on writing a blog about the last experience there. it was a rough time, and it's haunted me for almost 15 years...but recounting a crappy childhood experience is so not the point i want to make.

from now on, the only voice in my head is going to be mine and i'm going to try damn hard to make sure its a positive one.

on the other note, i found an AMAZING website today.

Evans

it's a flipping fabulous plus sized online clothing store, a lot like lane bryant but with better prices and aimed more at 20somethings and a thousand times more fashionable. all of their pieces come in sizes 14-32, also pretty, sexy lingerie and the some of the most orgasmic shoes and boots (in wide calf sizes too!) i fell in love with it!! it's UK based but they ship to several other countries including the US.

i just had to share my favorites!

yummmm...guess where i'm gonna be doing my shopping spreeing?

::ahem:: and the award goes to....

2009-10-13T19:34:00.006-04:00

me :)

alrighty, first up: thanks hadley, i return this award to you in spirit since ya already got one!

second: rules- 6 things about me my readers don't know and then passss it on.

alright, bitches (and dude bitches) let's knock this out...

1. are you sure you checked mapquest?! do you know where we're going?!?

i am intensely phobic about getting lost while driving, especially at night. if i'm going somewhere new, i get directions from all (seriously, ALL) the maps/directions web sites. over the years, since i got my car when i was 18 i've been taking steps to control my fear and anxiety, such as taking road trips (i went to tennessee!), and taking new routes on a whim and exploring new areas (but only during the day!)

2. what time is it? time for you to learn how to tell time...

i didn't master the skill of reading a clock until i was almost 15. i think it may have something to do with my dyslexia, but for whatever reason...i just couldn't get it. i got picked on by family members all the time about it. it was hardcore embarrassing.

3. one...two....FUCK!

i have both my nipples pierced. back before my tattoo/piercing parlor of choice enforced a retarded appointment policy, one could walk right in and get inked or stabbed. randomly one night i was driving through town to meet some friends and thought, what the hell? so i went for it.

4. bright lights, big city...

i love cities. almost any city. although i've lived in the country my whole life, whenever i go to NYC or Boston or Philly...DC, Baltimore etc...i feel right at home. there's a buzz of energy in a city that makes my skin tingle. i have one fatal flaw that just don't cut it in the city...i'm far too polite. guess i'll have to work on that before i decide to make my big move.

5. you see there was this guy... no wait

i downright SUCK at telling jokes or stories verbally. you see, i'm a writer at heart, so when i tell a story, i'm revising it at the same time, so i get all fucked around and stupid. the people nearest and dearest to me are well aware of this so, accordingly, they'll either deal with it (my parents, adult relatives) or they will tease me to no end (my darling baby brother) but i'm a firm believer in that if you are lacking in one area, you make it up tenfold in another. for me, it's my laugh. i have a great laugh. i am constantly laughing. my brother, he tells fucking great stories, so i always make sure to show my appreciation by laughing till i bawl.

6. can you close that?

i am obsessive about things being open that shouldn't be. cabinet doors, drawers, the lid on the washing machine, shower curtains. if i'm in a room that has something open...i get itchy to close it. my family thinks its flipping hilarious. every now and again, my brother will go out into the kitchen and open up ALL the cabinets, drawers, microwave....and just stand there and smirk because he knows i can't just go on about my business and not have a maniacal need to closethosedamndoors!

now for my honorees-

-rachel at bodybypizza: this chick downright rocks. i love her blog, i love following along on her awesome journey.

-natasha at creating natasha: one of the sweetest, awesomest canadians i've ever had the pleasure to meet.

-tricia at fight fat phobia: bad. ass. bitch. end of story...

-sophie at tales of an ordinary life: this is one lovely brit. i love her blog and i can't wait to see how far she goes with it.

-thuseybelle: this chick rules. i look forward to getting to know her better. she's a sister in this weight loss journey and a fellow ink addict.

a rockin surprise...

2009-10-12T19:31:00.004-04:00

confession-
i have not worn jeans that didn't have stretch in them for over a year.

today...i DID.

i have this basket in my closet full of expensive jeans in sizes 22 to 28 from throughout the years. i refuse to throw them away. they are my motivation.

when i had to buy my first and only pair of size 30 jeans, i was so disgusted with myself. i hated the fact that i had to buy them online because i couldn't fit into the store sizes. i let myself binge constantly because i didn't know any other way to make myself feel better. now, i've fluctuated between a 30 and a 28 for the past year or so, but only if the 28 had some stretch in it.

right before summer started, my last pair of jeans that werent capris tore badly and weren't fixable. i made a vow then that i would not buy a new pair of jeans, but rather work hard and lose weight to fit into my old jeans.

and i've done it.

the first step at any rate.

it was bitchin cold today and i was sick and tired of sweatpants and pjs so i decided to give it a go and try and put on the jeans that have been sitting in my dresser drawer for 3 months. i was massively prepped for disappointment. so imagine my surprise when they slipped on and buttoned easily!!!

i'm so excited!!!! i can't wait to work on getting into the next pair (which is the same size, but with a smaller fit)

i also did some more closet/dresser/shoe purging and switched my summer and fall wardrobes around in the closet. i pulled a bunch of sweaters and knit stuff that i haven't worn in years and also finally have my polo collection down to 1. i just don't dig the style much anymore. i thinned down my camis as well. no one needs 20 camis. surrriusly
one of my clothes issues is that i LOVE buying underwear. all styles. all the time. over the past few months i've been slowly getting rid of the old ones, the worn out ones and the ones i don't wear at all. lol as it is they still fill 2 drawers in my lingerie dresser.

at the end of my purge session i had a 3 foot high mountain of old khakis, sweaters and hoodies, a rainbow of tank tops and ratty old tees. also a neat little hill of prom shoes and mis-matched flip flops.

phew! one more thing i can cross off my to-do list.

what a fucking awesome way to kick off the week.

the weekend update...

2009-10-11T15:31:00.004-04:00

happy weekend folks!

so i noticed i've been a tad lax these past few weeks due to the traveling cold i've been playing host to. i'm pleased to report i'm doing way better, my body feels good...no more aches, no more fatigue, no more ab-wracking cough. all that is bueno. right now i'm trying like shit to get rid of some nasty sinus pressure in my head and ears, but thats pretty much a "stock-up-on-keenex-and-let-it-run-its-course" kinda thing...so here's hopin i'll be all fine and good by the end of the week. and thanks to everyone for the well-wishes...i'm sure they helped!

oh! guess what?! i got my Giveaway Grand-Prize goodie box yesterday and it is definitely awesome! thanks trish!!

-what i won-

-an awesome BL digital scale that will definitely come in handy
-a 5 pc. set each of measuring cups and spoons, and in festive fall colors no less!
-a cute little egg (that happens to have a beak and feet...) glass measuring cup
-a little soup thermos
-a set of locking storage containers
-the badass-est snack thingie...you can put fresh fruits or veggies in the bottom, and a little thing of dip on top! so neat.
-a package of 100 cal. packs of craisins and a package of 100 cal. pack mixed nuts (trail mix anyone?)
-2 packs of flipping awesome gum...tastes like now and laters.
and
-a nifty pedometer

holy frijole thats a lot of stuff! i also got a cute little congrats card and a ribbon, and a sticker!

in other news, i weighed-in on thursday, but was a bit disappointed. it said i was up 2 lbs...but i don't know if its cause of all the meds and not getting enough calories, or cause i'm on my period but i'm going to wait until this thursday to take down an official number. i know, totally cheating, but i don't have anyone to answer to, so i say i can...lol hopefully i'll see a loss this week. in any case i think my goal of 22 lbs by my birthday might be a tad steep. i'll be able to better evaluate it after this week's weigh-in, but if it's less than a 2 lb loss it's probably not doable (at least in a healthy fashion).
my activity level has been pretty low for the past few weeks, and reasonably so, but now i'm feeling up to taking walks outside regularly and maybe hitting the gym for some light circuits. the only thing is, i still have no appetite so i frequently forget to eat anything and then i'm starving by early evening. i've been trying to remind myself to at least get in some healthy snacks every few hours, but i just can't taste anything, so i don't get hungry for anything. right now i'm drinking most of my calories with orange juice and hot cocoa, etc. but it's not really cutting it.

i've been able to get up enough energy to get some of the housework done that's been piling up...dishes this afternoon, laundry a little later, maybe work on a menu plan and some other random to-do stuffs.

hope you guys have a spankin good weekend too!

woo! award!

2009-10-08T21:13:00.003-04:00

thanks many times to sophie for choosing me for this loverly award.

according to the rules i have to answer some questions and pick some others for the award, but it feels a little too 9th grade myspace survey-ish, so i'm gonna opt out.

but just know, if i read your page, it generally means i think you're awesome.

in other news, thanks y'all for all the well wishes. my doc's appt. went fine (no lecture lol) but he really didn't tell me anything i didn't know so it was just like....yeaaah thanks man for validating what i figured out on my own. he prescribed me some stuff, but i generally like to avoid prescription medication so i'm goin it on my own. all i really wanted to know was that it wasn't anything more worrying than a cold on crack. the cough is pretty much on it's way out so the worst of it is gone...phew.

throwing in the towel...

2009-10-05T22:04:00.002-04:00

i have to suck it up and go to the doc's. dammit.

i hate going to the doctors. i haven't been in like...5 years. i'm always terrified they're going to tell me i have some terminal illness or just something that will ruin my life forever. (that and the dreaded scale/weight lecture)

but this cough is insane. i've had it for 2 weeks and no matter how much i fight it, its only getting worse. on top of it i'm sleeping for an insane amount of time every day/night, my appetite is barely there and i've got a persistant headache.

i usually take the tack of "suck it up and don't complain" when it comes to sickness and pain, but now i don't even have to say anything and people around me know something is wrong.

oi.

in other news, i had a pretty great weekend. my mama and i hit up the National Apple Harvest Festival on sunday and had a fab time. got in some really great exercise walking around the grouds and checking out the stands. some good music and original craftsmen showing their stuff and mmm the smells from that place. constantly cookin up something. but i went prepared. i took some mixed nuts and some pretzels in case i got munchy and decided to hold out for ONE thing that really caught my eye, food wise. as the name implies, there are tons of apple based foods and then your basic fair fare. i went for an apple sausage sandwich with mustard. it was freakin amazing.

Battle Wendy's Burger Smackdown

2009-10-02T17:04:00.005-04:00

so, yesterday i was driving around town, running errands and i decided to stop and get some lunch. but where to? subway? nah. what i really wanted was a cheeseburger.

first step was deciding if i could handle going to a fast food place and not going nuts. yup...i could.

step two was calming my anxiety about going into a restaurant alone. not a lot of people know this about me, but i have severe anxiety sometimes about eating in public. especially alone. for years anytime i ate fast food i used the drive thru and stuffed my face in shame and in private. so i sit for a while in the car. i breathe. i assign a number value to my anxiety level. i wait until that number goes down by at least two and then i go in.

next step is deciding what to order. when i used to eat wendy's a lot i always ordered a double cheeseburger, large fry and large root beer. i knew calorie and fat wise that was a really terrible decision and probably more food and drink than i could comfortably eat. so i downgraded. i got a regular cheeseburger, medium fry and root beer, and a frosty jr. (about 3/4 c.) i took my tray and found a table. i chose a table in the center of the restaurant, in view of other people. before i started eating i assesed my anxiety level and waited for it to go down a bit. i unwrapped my food, arranged it and dug in.

i enjoyed it immensely, did not feel ashamed for eating fast food, and didn't stuff myself full and make myself sick.

ohhh yea. another win for moi.

2009-10-01T15:33:00.004-04:00

starting weight: 350
current weight: 342.6
weekly loss: -1

another one bites the dust...

yup...down another pound. i definitely wasn't expecting a loss this week, so that kicks it. i think it's hilarious though that i keep losing EXACTLY one pound, no more, no less.

gotta push myself realllll good this week to get to my goal.

get down with the sickness...

2009-10-01T04:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Cold Season,

I would like you to leave me alone from now on. Lying abed all day is not in any way attractive, and it makes my hair look like Gene Wilder is hibernating on my head. I understand you have a quota to make, but cough medicine is expensive, and if you don't read the directions, is pretty much useless. My hacking and coughing sounds awful and alarms my neighbors when I shamble to the mailbox. I am running out of pajamas and I am watching far too many old Angel and CSI episodes on Netflix. I just wanted to let you know I'm done being your bitch, and that I fully intend on ignoring you tomorrow.

Thanks much,
Erin.

that's right folks, i'm done with all this lame-assness. i'm done using being sick as an excuse to be lazy and not eating right and not getting anything done. i'm going to weigh-in tomorrow and hope the scale gods take pity upon me and at least not show a gain.

i got a call to do a "pre-interview" whatever the fuck that's supposed to be a front for, but hey, it's a possible possibility. i can whore myself out to the retail powers that be and hope at least someone needs someone to do bitch work for the holiday season. in case no one knew, my parents have forbidden me to have a job next semester, and i think it's for the best but it still terrifies me. this recent stint of unemployment has been a trial for me. i've learned to accept help from others and not be so embarrased that i don't have a job. but hey, lots and lots of people are unemployed and not doing half as well as i am so, i'll take my current situation as a blessing and just learn to live with what i have.

i'm used to eating pizza not perpetrating cliche game-show tactics!

2009-09-29T22:29:00.002-04:00

so, biggest loser tonight...yeaaah.

starting to remind anyone of that never-tiring, endlessly annoying phenomenon that is realworld/roadrules challenge?

next week i'm gonna look around for coral, queen of the alliance...maybe some quick and dirty lesbian sex on infared cam. ooh goody! stupid drama for ratings!

this week's episode did just what it was supposed to do. antagonize someone. anyone. there's gotta be a villain. and tracy was just dumb enough to take the spot.

though i have to say i was totally loving jillian. she can be a major douche, but she was pretty great this week. i'm trying real real hard to forget about her weight loss pill sell-out and concentrate on her on the show.

and poor mo. if i were him, tracy'da been bitchslapped up and down that ranch.

new awesome tv...

2009-09-27T01:12:00.004-04:00

so i just got finished watching the pilot episode of Mercy, a new show on NBC. I thought this was just gonna be another wah-wah greys anatomy hybrid. (now thats not to say i don't orgasmically love greys anatomy...i just can't take any more of it) buuuuuuttt! no way, this show rocks frickin ass. the characters are funny as hell, the story base is current and hey! blood and violence!

the story is about Veronica, an iraqi war veteran who just got back and is having, shall we say, issues in returning to her everyday.

the show is awesome, you should watch it...i'm gonna.

you can find the first full episode on NBC.com, tvguide.com, and also hulu.com, my newest form of crack in HD

and can i just say michelle tratchtenberg is the cutest thing ever. here's a fun fact about erin g for ya'll. i'm a buffy the vampire slayer/joss whedon fanatic. yea, i said fanatic. i'm not ashamed of it. i own all 7 seasons on dvd and watch frequently. it kicks ass. but what was i talking about...oh yea, michelle tratchtenberg...she played on buffy and since the show has been off air, i've been missing seeing new stuff from her besides disney movies. and i refuse to watch gossip girl so i'm glad she's gonna be in on this new show.

jesus...nice thought soup there. maybe its the cough meds?

anyway...watch Mercy and help keep good tv on air.

battle chinese take-out...

2009-09-25T18:44:00.005-04:00

i win, you lose chinaman.

tonight my papa called on his way home from work and asked if i would care for some chinese. really? no. i already had a fun little blackout oreo binge this afternoon. actually it was like 6 oreos, but it was still out of control. well, long story short i caved, but i made sure to specify my order because my dad is still in that mentality some guys (and some chicks who aren't food conscious) have sometimes that surprise food is a nice treat.

yea, nice and dangerous.

instead of my usual (read: former) order of sesame chicken, white rice and cheese wontons i got chicken and snow peas, a baby container of white rice, and wonton soup. i ate with chopsticks because 1) i would eat slower and concentrate more and 2) its amusing. i ended up only eating about 1/4 of the small portion i put in my bowl and only two wontons with broth. the soup was delicious and just filling enough. i drank lots of water in between bites and i ended up really satisfied with what i ate, not regretting it.

so hell yeah, i won another round of Food Fights (i look all sick and icko so no fun pic for tonight's food fight. though i am kind of thinking of doing this as a regular feature, maybe get one of those wrestling belts they make for kids and just having a nerdy ole time with it lol. what do you think? should i make it a regular?)

weigh-in/ week 5 goals

2009-09-24T14:18:00.002-04:00

starting weight: 350
current weight: 343.6
total loss: -6.4

down another pound this week. to be honest, i'm struggling not to be disapointed. it's not the number i wanted to see, but i know that i've been kicking ass in the gym and have been moving more this week than i have in a long time. now that i've got a gym/exercise routine started, i can focus on my eating again. i had a little slippage this week, not too much, but enough that i'm conscious of the choices i could have made instead. i'm pushing myself hard to achieve this first goal of 22 lbs. once achieved, my next goal will be much easier to attain.

week five goals-
-drink at least 4 (32 oz) bottles of water per day.
-track food and activity on fitday. (i decided to see how much of a difference it will make as opposed to just journaling foods but not nutrition)
-lose 3 lbs.
-get in at least 1 hour of gym/activity time per day.
-and/or-
-walk at least 5 days

alrighty...there's 5 reasonable and attainable goals for the next 7 days. i'm ready to get started.

mmm today for lunch i did a little bit of a change-up with my usual, and it definately paid off. i usually make a tostada for lunch (black beans, cheese, veggies) with a little sour cream, but today i had some chicken that needed to be cooked, so i grilled them up with some olive oil and blackening spices and then diced. i used less cheese and more beans, chicken and veggies and it ended up being positively packed with protien (over 50 grams!) and fiber. i was nicely full afterward and bursting with energy.

spaghetti and meatballs tonight at my mamas. i'm praying that i can contain myself. i've pre-tracked it, just so i have an idea of what i'll be eating and i think i'll be satisfied. here's hopin.

2009-09-23T18:16:00.005-04:00

this just in: Fried Chicken v. Fatty; A Winner Announced!

Erin-1: Chicken-0

"You may have seduced me, chicken, but I DEFEATED your ass!!"

how did she do it? we asked her.
"well at first i was intimidated, but then i decided to use the fried chicken's weakness to my advantage. you see, underneath that nasty, deep fried layer, there lies some pretty bad-ass protein for the taking. i chose to create energy from my slip-up and totally burned up that gym!"

oh. yes. dammit.

fried chicken: a contest of wills a.k.a deathmatch

2009-09-23T16:45:00.002-04:00

in the past month i have really been working hard. making a lot of forward momentum and gaining heaps of motivation and setting myself attainable and worthwhile goals. in short; i have been kicking major ass.

about 3 months ago, my father moved back in with me. i had been living on my own in our family home for a year and a half. at that point i wasn't really trying to make many changes to the way i lived, ate, and moved but i was conscious of it. now, here's the rub. my father makes terrible food choices. pizza and beer several times a week. hot wings. more beer. generally anything fried, fatty or alcoholic he digs. then he came to me and said "Erin, i think we should get serious about getting healthy. start walking and cooking more and eating better." i thought "Awesome, this is just the extra motivation i needed!" and set down to making goals and menu planning and working out. but after a week or so...i was doing it on my own. there started to be a re-entrance of unhealthy food groups into our house. i got mad. i know that if i keep certain things out of the house, i don't even think about them.

so tonight, when my dad came home from the doctor's office, what did he bring home for his dinner? fried chicken and not one but 2 boxes of ice cream cones and ice cream sandwiches. and why? to cool him down. WHAT?! THE?! FUCK?! if you want to cool down you drink ice water or take a cool shower, or at the very least have a popsicle. he's making excuses to eat terribly. he uses his bed as a dining room. he lays in bed and eats all day and night long. i am seriously worried about him, but at the same time, i can't help but be enraged that he's bringing these things into the house. i've asked him more than once. i've asked him to bring home only a single portion for himself instead of several.

i had planned a very tasty and healthy chicken caesar salad for dinner. instead, the second i smelled the fried chicken, i wanted some. i fought it, hard. i even left the house for a while to try and get past it. but in the end, i decided that instead of foregoing the fried chicken and eating something else but still craving the stuff and bingeing later, i would have one piece along with some vegetables and leftover pasta from dinner last night. it was okay as far as dinners go. but i know that i have to weigh in tomorrow. i'm feeling anxious to go get in the gym. i want this out of my system NOW!

from now on...its over. i'm imposing a law. no more of that crap when i have spent precious time making menu plans and grocery shopping for healthy meals for both of us. if he wants to eat that junk...he can go for it. but i refuse to feel bad when his health problems decline even more because of it. i don't want it in my house anymore. ever.

so sayeth me. so i damn well expecteth it will be done.

::breathe in, breathe out:: ok. rant over.

in other news, while i was browsing blogs the other night, i came across this post on Tales of an Ordinary Life. the gist of it is that you make a list of 101 things/goals/activites you want to accomplish in 1001 days. created by Day Zero, the mission is to complete 101 preset goals in the 1001 day period (approx. 2.75 years). the tasks must be specific (no ambiguity) and the results must be measurable and require some amount of effort on your part.

since i'm an insane lover of lists, this appealed to me automatically. i decided to start working on MY list, tentatively because it is taking way longer to come up with 101 goals than i thought. currently i'm at about 40 or so. but it's a work in progress and one i'm definitely excited to do. once completed, i will post my list here for the world to see (or the random few followers and tagalongs i do have lol i love you all by the way :) )

also Tricia down at Fight Fat Phobia is having a giveaway! a whole big pile of awesome! but don't enter! i want!

alrighty y'all. i'm off to the gym to replace the fried chicken in my veins with adrenaline! raWR!

2009-09-22T13:53:00.005-04:00

feeling better today, still a bit groggy and achy but on the whole it's dealable. my appetite is still playing come-and-go but i'm paying attention and making sure i eat regularly and reasonably. i had a pretty awesome black bean and cheese quesadilla for lunch along with a glass of iced green tea.

other than that i'm taking it pretty easy today. i'll probably hit the gym in a bit to get in some activity. work my arms and legs, maybe get in some yoga. nothing too strenuous, but i want to get out of the habit of working out one day and then not doing anything for a few days. i want to try and do some sort of fitness activity every day (i'm excluding the regular activity i get in every day; walking, housework, errands etc.)

i finally got the pics from sunday's lake outing uploaded. it was so so lovely up there.

(that's my mama y'all. isn't she cute? lol she's like the only person on the planet that makes me feel tall lol)

also, i wanted to post my super-flipping-fabulous soup recipe that i made on sunday.

~Veggie and Turkey Meatball Soup~

-1 can diced tomatoes

-3 medium potatoes, peeled and cubed

-1 cup sliced carrots

-1 medium onion, chopped

-1 bay leaf

-1 tsp celery salt

-1 tablespoon parsley

-2 teaspoons beef boullion

-1 1/2 tsp dried basil

-1 tsp dried oregano

-1/2 tsp pepper

-1 tsp salt

-1 lb ground turkey

-1 egg

-3 tbsp bread crumbs

-1 tbsp milk

-1 heaping cup frozen corn kernels

-1 1/2 heaping cup frozen green beans

-In a large pot stir together 6 cups water, undrained tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, celery salt, onion, bay, parsley, bouillion, basil, oregano, pepper, and salt. bring to a boil.

-meanwhile in a large bowl, stir together ground turkey, egg, bread crumbs, milk, salt, and pepper to taste. (i mix with my hands...icky but ensures total mixage) shape into 1 inch balls.

-carefully drop meatballs into pot. reduce heat, cover and simmer for 30 minutes

-add green beans and corn and cook until heated through.

yields around 10 cups of soup.

calling it an early night...

2009-09-21T19:00:00.002-04:00

i'm so pissed. i'm starting to get really sick and i don't wanna be! (wonder if i can pout my way healthy? lol) it's really not helping that i am alternately starving to death and so nauseous that i feel like i'm going to boot up everything i've ever eaten. i had to be up at 7 this morning so i could watch abram and sofia and i barely made it through those few hours. on my way home i was so hungry but once i got home i could hardly keep my eyes open. after a longer nap than i planned, my previous hunger of the afternoon was then tenfold. ::mechanical voice:: let the bingeing commence. in all it wasn't too bad, but now i'm all full of rice krispies and i'm starting to get that "oh god i'm gonna puke" feeling.

gonna take me some nyquil and knock out for the night...

back to life tomorrow.

menu monday...

2009-09-21T00:37:00.002-04:00

oh i had a delicious weekend. much relaxing and enjoying nature and just for once...having no plans. i made a big steamy pot of turkey and veggie soup to warm me up as it gets colder out, my mom and i went for a walk in the mountains...it was a great end to the week.

and today starts a new one...oi

my week in dinners goes as follows:

monday- coconut crusted tilapia, garlic pasta, and steamed veggies
tuesday- shrimp quesadillas
wednesday- chicken caesar salads
thursday- meatballs and spaghetti at my mothers...best fucking meatballs on the planet
friday- slow-cooker chicken curry, rice
saturday- stuffed pepper soup
sunday- leftovers a' la carte

i'll post recipes as the days go along!

chatty cathy...

2009-09-19T16:33:00.004-04:00

so i finally got my aol re-installed (thank god for our new wireless net). i haven't been on in forever, but if any of you folks get on, feel free to say hullo. my sn is: onebadcupcake175

image courtesy of nataliedee.com

ch-ch-changes...

2009-09-18T19:51:00.002-04:00

so i've done a little mixing up of things for the better.

-this blog for one, i've added some things, gotten rid of a few, and in all i think i'm shaping it up to look really great and not just another blog.

-myself; i've been really focusing on moving more, not necessarily working out more (though thats the next step) but generally just making sure i'm moving. i've been limiting my tv time, so i have more time and energy to dance around the house like a goof ball to my mp3 player on shuffle, more time to do projects around the house, and less time feeling like a lazy blob on the couch while i watch re-runs.

-my education; i've finally made some serious steps toward getting back to school. i hit sort of a wall and was feeling like a failure, but after some serious struggle and being an ass, i finally let someone help me. i felt like i had so much weight on my shoulders that i would suffocate, from how to pay for it and if i would ever find a major that i truly loved, but with actual work in the right direction i've managed to leave a lot of that weight behind. i'm starting to get pumped about school again instead of terrified. i just have to be ready to focusfocusfocus and i think for once i really will be able to.

as far as changing other things...i made a change to my menu for tonight and it was seriously for the better. i had been planning on making salmon fillets, but when i checked my reading list this morning i found a recipe that sounded amazing...

~Red Pepper and Salmon Quiche w/ Butter-Herb Crust~
this recipe is courtesy of Recipe Shoebox

this was seriously flipping good. i added salmon to the original recipe and it turned out amazingly. this was my first attempt at both cooking and eating quiche and it was definintely a winner. it was light and delicious and i served it with a caesar salad w/ light dressing and a quick, warm potato salad that i made from the leftover oven fries from last nights dinner and some fresh fruit. perfect perfect perfect.

~Creamy Herbed-Garlic Potato Salad~
1 medium russet potato, baked through and cubed
2 tbsp mayo (light or regular)
1 tsp lime juice
1/2 tsp garlic
liberal pinch of parsley (rosemary would work really nicely too)

stir together dressing ingredients until well mixed and then fold into potato cubes. voila!
(can be served warm or cold)

Yummy New Recipe...

2009-09-17T19:14:00.004-04:00

~Honey-Lime Grilled Chicken Sandwiches~

recipe courtesy of Recipe Shoebox

this was SO delicious. it would have been better if my damn avocado had actually been ripe. as it is, it was very tasty without. i very much recommend this recipe!

i made a quick and easy garlic-lime mayo as well (combine 1-2 tbsp mayo, 1 1/2 tsp lime juice, 1/4 tsp minced garlic, sprinkle of paprika. whisk until blended) it was super tasty on my oven fries as well!

the xxl-files

update...

its offish...

to tweet or not to tweet...

super sunday update....

coming alive again...

quick weigh-in update

annnnnd we're off...

wicked awesome weigh-in!

the final countdown (also, quiche recipe)...

bright, shiny, new year...

*update...chili recipe*

holiday wrap up and setting goals...

another semester annhilated...

and when it was finally over...

relief...

why i hate making doctors appointments and why i (literally) feel like harvey dent...

bitty baby steps...

best. new. thing. ever. (and holiday prep)...

fighting demons...

birthday goodness...

lovin from the oven

taking a new path...

whew...

its mini candy month bitchesssssss....

week 1 weigh in...

like trying to run with only one foot...

and the verdict is.......

getting ready...

countdown to the re-start...

by way of review...

a full day, a perfect day...

blogger? its me, erin....

weakness (and the strength you can find from admitting to it)

it's been a trip y'all...

updated progress pics....

back in the saddle (weigh-in)...

well hello there...

just like crack...only sexier....

full steam ahead....(and a NSV!)

my battle cry....

its not you...its me (but really...its you)

every day, in every way...

blog-shy

snowed in and kickin ass...

i still be livin...

conquered cravings and blog love...

busy bee...

weigh-in and NSV

what the wha?

end-of-challenge weigh-in

new years and old...

i iron-manned that shit...

another size bites the dust....

a. perfect. fucking. weekend.

stats/ christmas dinner plan of attack

oatmeal, rock of ages, and self discovery...

week 1? done!...

day 4

day 3

a great start/ *new progress pics*

moment of truth...

weigh-in/ thanksgiving recession style

need a challenge?

rock. it. out...

back on track...

all i needed was a reboot...

adventures in bingeing.....

update...

happy birthday....

birthday weigh-in/ stats update/ new goals

perfect days...

sticky laptop death

weigh-in

Menu Plan Monday

weekend update: enter if you dare.....

weigh-in/ the cuteness

when you know you have a real friend...

blogblock/ dexter lovefest

oh. yes. *updated progress pics!*

update...chili recipe

a great start/ new progress pics

oh. yes. updated progress pics!